'What I Want You To Know'

I read this on another blog and wanted to share.  I just copy and pasted it below, but here is the link too! http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2011/12/what-i-want-you-to-know-how-church.html

"What I want you to know is that the way the church views sexual abuse and teaches (or lack thereof) its congregation about how to handle sexual abuse is often misguided and misconstrued. I want you to know that our lack of understanding as Christians fills me with an unholy rage. Childhoods are being ripped away.

Every 2 minutes (in the United States alone) someone is sexually assaulted.  I have visited well over 15 churches throughout the course of my lifetime. Of all my visits, only 2 churches have discussed the ramifications of sexual abuse and how we, as Christians, should react. Unfortunately, I know more women who have been sexually abused than I can count on one hand. Does anyone else sense just how devastating that is? Of all the women I know who were sexually abused, all but one experienced the sexual abuse during childhood. Two of them had perpetrators were well-revered members of their church communities. Two of these brave women told me that the abuse they suffered is the reason they don't believe in God. After all, what kind of a loving Creator would allow such atrocities to happen to such innocence?"

"The most angering experience I had in a church was when I visited one in Chicago while an undergrad. One of the first sermons I attended discussed sexual abuse. At first it was pretty on-par with what I believe. By the conclusion, he entirely lost me: "Both the sexual abuser and the abused need to ask for God's forgiveness for their sins. The victim's body is a temple and by being abused they have desecrated their temple. Therefore they need to seek God's forgiveness for the sins against their body." I think I was in shock. I didn't know how to process it. It tore my heart in two."

"If I could go back, the things I would say to this man. Is the body a temple? Yes. Do you honestly believe God would expect a victim of sexual abuse to ask for forgiveness for "their role in the act"? No way. I can assure you that no sexual abuse victim was a willing participant. That's why it's called abuse. This pastor was so ignorant of the ramifications of abuse. I will forever regret not speaking out because I truly believe his words were not God's. I've witnessed the heartbreak. I've cried with the victims. The pain is insurmountable. Sexual abuse is devastating."

"So, as a church, what can we do? We need to discuss it. Silence just reaffirms the victim's mentality that it was somehow their fault when it so clearly wasn't. We need to develop a deeper understanding of it so that when we do discuss it we do not speak damaging, unholy words. We need to provide sexual abuse victims resources to cope with their trauma. But most importantly, we need to love the victims and support them unconditionally: we need to show them Christ's love. It's not our job to make anyone believe in God. However, I truly believe that if we personify Christ's love that so many more will want to seek Him out. I also believe that true and total healing can only be found in Christ. And sexual abuse victims need total healing more than just about anyone I've ever met."

"One Thousand Gifts"

I have been reading this book called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp.  God has shown me so much through this book.  The truths God showed me in this book are what helped me get through this past semester.  The book walks the reader threw Ann's life as she learns to see God in EVERYTHING.  She begins by making a list of all the things she is thankful for.  But this is not just a list of the typical things we always thank God for on the surface (good health, or family or friends). Not that these are not amazing blessings, but she takes it one step deeper and sees the beauty that God lays before her in every day that she missed before.  To see this beauty she has to slow down and take in every moment. The sound of children laughing, smell of flowers, sight of a bird are things that God uses to draw her into Himself.

Coming into this past semester with so much on my plate, I knew I was going to have to slow my mind down and look for God in the little things.  Otherwise I will be running from thing to thing not really serving God in any of it. When I looked for God He showed up.  He captured my heart in ways I can scare explain.  

In the book, she faces challenges such as seeing what to be thankful for in suffering and pain.  She begins to see how giving thanks for the suffering transforms it into something beautiful. Then she talks about how Jesus gives thanks and it transforms things.   

"Because eucharisteo (thanksgiving) is how Jesus, at the Last Supper, showed us to transfigure all things-- take the pain that is given, give thanks for it, and transform it into a joy that fulfills all emptiness. I have glimpsed it: This, is hard eucharisteo.  The hard discipline to lean into the ugly and whisper thanks to transfigure it into beauty.  The hard discipline to give thanks for all things at all times because HE is all good."


The lessons God has taught me in this book are powerful and I will use them in the future as He challenges me. 


You can check out her blog here. Or buy her book here.

A year ago...

A year ago I started this blog.  As I was reading what I have written the past year I am amazed.  Amazed at what I was saying, amazed at what God has taught me, and amazed at the way my life has changed.  A theme seems to continue to come up...waiting for God's timing.  Seriously, for all you who have read this from the beginning..why didn't you tell me a whine way to much about waiting on God.  Accountability people! (Natalie? Where are you at? ;)) In some ways I feel like waiting on God's timing is something I will always be learning because I am REALLY bad at it.  However, along with my whining, are stories of God's faithfulness and lessons learned.

The following are my own words from past posts:

 

1)"All in all, I know that so far I have done what God has set in place for me to do. It is not what I first desired, but I have decided to embrace God's timing and trust that He knows what He is doing." 

2)Through the waiting I am determined to see God in everything, no matter where I am at.

Trusting God means:

• not having all the answers (sometimes it seems like you have no answers at all), but being okay with it
• stepping out in faith not knowing what He has in store, but being excited about it anyway
• Changes come so that we continue to realize the blessings we have and to draw us nearer to God

3)"I keep praying that I would see God's work. I think that when I live life uncomfortably He will have more of an opportunity to do just that. He will also reveal Himself and bring glory to His name through every situation. Isn't that why I am here in the first place, to glorify His name??"

 My comments to them now:

1) "Embrace God's timing and trust that He knows what He is doing." That sounds wise...maybe I should take my own advice huh?

2)You know it kinda stings to read your own words.  Your own words can cut straight to your heart..wow!

3) Living life uncomfortably ha!...bet I didn't know a year later I would be a senior living in the dorms again!

Overall...The Holy Spirit in my wrote those words, not the fleshy part of me...that's for sure!

I definitely did not know the full consequences of some prayers prayed, but they would definitely explain some life circumstances I find myself in currently.  WARNING! Be careful what you pray for...God's serious about the "ask and ye shall receive" thing!

As soon as I finish writing the above statement and I am now thinking..I would totally do it again because even though it was hard and really sucked at times..it was still SO WORTH IT! I know so much more about God now. And I will definitely continue to pray the dangerous prayers because God has stolen my heart.  It is His and nothing can seperate us now. My heart is His and its deepest desire will always be to bring glory to His name no matter the cost.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. " Romans 8:38 

So I am bracing myself for another year of joy and heartache.  Knowing God will reveal Himself even more this year than last year.  He will break my heart for what breaks His (this is how He gets me to do the crazy things..haha).  I ball my eyes out and ask what can I do...He is in control from there. 

Thanks for reading this and all the other posts! Be prepared for another year full of stories about God's goodness, with hints of whining about waiting (sorry people...I'm a work in progress!) 

Letting Him Love Me

Confession: Even feeling God's love after the last post I am still struggling to let God love me. Yup, I can write that and still be defiant towards God.  I am not perfect.

I know God wants to fully love me, but I a feeling of intense unworthiness.  At the very core of me, I know that whatever He gives me I am bound to mess up.  So why give it to me? Why does a Holy God put His Holy Spirit in a body that is bound to disgrace it? The answer came at Salt Company last Thursday.

Drew talked about the glory of God.  He said we are made to worship God and bring glory to His name.  That is our whole purpose.  To illustrate this Drew created this picture:

Imagine that there is car coming towards a bridge.  One side is you and on the other is Jesus.  God has to decide which one to hit: me or Jesus, God's perfect son (the one who has never disgraced God's name).  I know that God will choose to hit Jesus. What I saw in the picture in my head was me trying to run over in front of Jesus, so that God would not have to kill Him.  I am the unworthy one, so I should be the one to die. However, by my interference I am not letting God's full glory be shown.  If God had hit me or like the Bible says, leave us in our sin, then His full power would never be revealed.  But by letting us crucify His Son, then He could show His power by bringing His Son back to life. 

Light bulb!! I am here on this earth to bring God glory.  By rejecting His love or not letting Him fully reveal Himself to/in me because I feel undeserving I am not letting Him show His full glory.  As He sanctifies me I am to share what He does.  I am to tell of His works. My life is to reflect His work.  In being honest about my weakness, God's strength will be shown.

God wants to use me to bring Him glory and it is difficult to do that if I am pushing His love away.  Truthfully, I am still working out the details, but if I can bring Him glory by letting Him love me then I want to be all about that!

 ¹ But now, this is what the LORD says—
   he who created you, Jacob,
   he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
   I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters,
   I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
   they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
   you will not be burned;
   the flames will not set you ablaze.
³ For I am the LORD your God,
   the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
   Cush and Seba in your stead.
⁴ Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
   and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
   nations in exchange for your life.
⁵ Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
   I will bring your children from the east
   and gather you from the west.
⁶ I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
   and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring my sons from afar
   and my daughters from the ends of the earth—
⁷ everyone who is called by my name,
   whom I created for my glory,
   whom I formed and made.” 

Isaiah 43:1-7

 

Love

⁶ Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.
⁷ She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say,
‘I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now.’ 
 ⁸ She has not acknowledged that I was the one
who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil,
who lavished on her the silver and gold—
which they used for Baal.

¹² I will ruin her vines and her fig trees,
which she said were her pay from her lovers;
I will make them a thicket,
and wild animals will devour them.
¹³ I will punish her for the days
she burned incense to the Baals;
she decked herself with rings and jewelry,
and went after her lovers,
but me she forgot,”
declares the LORD.

Hosea 2:6-8, 12-13

I read this and I feel like Gomer, the woman being described in this passage.  I have ran to other lovers.  I have wanted and pursued what God has told me is not good for me.  I have chosen to disobey Him and try to pave my own path.  This has always and will always end in ruin.  I PROMISE. 

But to my disobedience God says this is the very next verse:

¹⁴ “Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her.
¹⁵ There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will respond as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

¹⁶ “In that day,” declares the LORD,
“you will call me ‘my husband’;
you will no longer call me ‘my master.^[d]’
¹⁷ I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips;
no longer will their names be invoked.
¹⁸ In that day I will make a covenant for them
with the beasts of the field, the birds in the sky
and the creatures that move along the ground.
Bow and sword and battle
I will abolish from the land,
so that all may lie down in safety.
¹⁹ I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
²⁰ I will betroth you in faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the LORD.

Hosea 2:14-20

Did you get that people? To our inability to do a darn good thing, God says He wants to be our husband. The God who is described in the previous post wants to be your Husband.  He has betrothed Himself to us with righteousness, justice, love, compassion, and faithfulness.  HE LOVES YOU! He wants to for Himself.  He wants all of you..the good and the bad. Because He takes the bad and will turn it into good.  He wants everything!  He has pursued you and will always pursue you until He is your everything.  He loves you and He wants you to love Him in return.  What is your response?





Isaiah 40

²⁷ Why do you complain, Jacob?
   Why do you say, Israel,
“My way is hidden from the LORD;
   my cause is disregarded by my God”?
²⁸ Do you not know?
   Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
   the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
   and his understanding no one can fathom.
²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
   and increases the power of the weak.
³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
   and young men stumble and fall;
³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
   will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
   they will run and not grow weary,
   they will walk and not be faint. 

Isaiah 40:27-31

He is mine...

I have nothing.  When I gave my life to Jesus, I signed over all rights to my heart, my body, my life...everything

I handed over my body and He took it and put His Holy Spirit in it.  Let me restate that...the God who created ALL THINGS put HIS SPIRIT inside me.  As for my life...He took my old life-destined for eternal torment in hell and with one breath gave me a life of joy, peace, eternity with a holy and loving God.

God, who knows the heart, showed that he accepted them by giving the Holy Spirit to them...Acts 15:8 

I have the spirit of Jesus and eternal life with Him. These are the things that I can call mine and never have to give up. All else I must count as lost.  The counting as lost thing is where I am currently struggling.  I like my stuff.  But none of it is mine. Over time they will change and/or be taken away.  The only thing I will have forever is Him.  Jesus is mine. I am His child.

I walked back to my room tonight thinking about my unknown future after I graduate in May.  I thought how "my" future is God's.  His fingerprints are on it.  As I thought this, I am suddenly struck by what I see in front of me. A beautiful pink sunset is the backdrop a majestic tree with orange and brown leaves.  'Wow God' is my first reaction.  Then I realize I had absolutely nothing do with that...I just walked into it.  So, this is how I feel about my future.  God is already working on it. I will just cling to Him and follow Him into something beautiful.

 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11

Where I end...He begins!

My strength ended 3 assignments, 10 hours of work, and 2 courses ago.  The best news in the world is that where I end...He begins!  

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9


Do you ever pray something and think "Wow..that was a dangerous prayer.." I distinctly remember my sophomore year at a Salt Retreat asking God to use me, to wear me out for His purposes.  See...I ask God for this and then complain when He gives me what I ask for.

I feel like these last few weeks have been the biggest challenge of God answering that prayer. I gave my very best effort to complete all these tasks on my own.  For two weeks I said I was trusting God, but there was something in my heart that was still very much trying to do it on my own.  This resulted in a few slight break downs and tears.  (I have the most amazing friends who loved me through those.) I knew I couldn't do it on my own, but I gave it my very best effort!  Eventually God broke down my pride.  I had to ask Him for help and I received more than I could possibly imagine.  Crazy how He is faithful to His word.

So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. Luke 11:9

When I was driving home from work on Monday night I was thinking how I had three assignments to complete that night...(this is after I have been working hard completing 2 other assignments over the weekend.)  Obviously I was anxious about getting it all done and still being able to sleep.  Then this thought popped into my head.  I serve a God who breathed the very breath of eternal life in my body, saved me from eternity in hell. If you really meditate on these truths they will knock you over in amazement! So I truly humble myself before Him and asked for help. And it was like God was just waiting patiently for me to really humbly ask for help. And guess what? Let's just say He was super faithful and I got those assignments done in a very timely manner and got 8 hours of sleep!

So...what I have learned the last few weeks?

Life is much easier, joyful, fun, and more full of laughter when I let God help me! :)

A Holy Life?

You're calling me to lay aside
The worries of my day
To quiet down my busy mind
Find a hiding place
Worthy, You are worthy

Open up my heart
And let my spirit worship Yours
I open up my mouth
And let a song of praise come forth
Worthy, You are worthy

Of a childlike faith
And of my honest praise
Of my unashamed love
Of a holy life
And of my sacrifice
Of my unashamed love 

These are lyrics I have sang many times, but this morning these words seem to present a challenge.  Are the things these verses talk about things that characterize my life? He is worthy of all of it, yet I cannot seem to give it all to Him. What does a holy life look like? I am struggling to find an answer.  It certainly can't be mine, can it? Mine is marked by failure to obey, failure to put Him first, failure to desire His will before anything else, failure to give Him my full attention...many failures on my part.  How can my life be holy? These verses comes to mind.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Galatians 2:20

Back to the question, how can my life be holy?  Answer: Jesus.  He loved me and died for me. After I surrender my life to Him, my life became holy.  The Holy Spirit entered my body and it became holy. So, I guess a holy life is one that is sold out for Him.  One that is full of Jesus and the very Spirit of God inside me.  So, full of everyday failures, but full of confession and constant reliance on the salvation He gives. This is my conclusion of what a holy life looks like.  Less of me..more of Jesus. 

His plans vs my plans

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, 

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, 

plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

I have been learning a lot about my plans versus God plans and how to think about them. I have always had a serious problem with trying to figure out God's plan.  I frequently plan the future.  If you have been following God for any length of time you know how pointless this is and yet I proceed to do so pretty consistently.  God has recently brought this sin into the light and has been doing some extensive work on my heart.

Lesson 1: He reveals His plans in His time.

At the beginning of the summer I thought I was going to figure out what I was going to do a year from now.  I was easily going to seek God's heart and figure out if I would be going grad school or overseas. Well, God doesn't work like that.  I think He laughs lovingly at my ignorance. It is now 2 weeks before school starts and I am not a whole lot closer to figuring it out. And that is the way He wants it.  He has shown me that I will know His plans when He is ready to reveal them to me and not a moment before. Even if I struggle and struggle to try to figure it out before, He will not show me. And knowing Him He probably has something completely different in mind.  Who knows? I certainly do not! 

Lesson 2: He prepares our heart for His plans

As stated in previous posts I am moving back on campus in 2 weeks! If you had told me a year ago that I would be moving back to campus I would have thought you were crazy.  It has been a process getting my heart in line with God's plans. I obviously wanted to do it, but a week ago I had a  lots of tears. Then yesterday God just gave my heart this unbelievable excitement for moving back.  Our lives as Christ followers are to be poured out as a drink offering.  The joy I feel in anticipation of the way He will do this the next year is hardly bearable! I could seriously move in tomorrow I'm so stinking pumped for the school year! But once again I'm gently reminded to slow down and learn what He wants to teach me today :)

By trying to figure out the future I miss the blessings and lessons in today.  In trying to figure out the future I miss the ways He is trying to prepare me for it. I may not know what my future holds, but I know that the One who plans it is preparing me for it in ways that I cannot possibly imagine.  So I will look for Him in today and try to learn what He is teaching me today and wait patiently.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably 

more than all we ask or imagine, 

according to his power that is at work within us,

to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus 

throughout all generations,

for ever and ever! 

Amen. 

Ephesians 3:20-21

Kisses from Katie BOOK!

So this lady has a book!! I have already pre-ordered mine on Amazon! You should do the same or at least check out her blog.  I have shameless mentioned her blog about 5 times on my blog, but only because it is so stinking good! :)

Consolatta

So I was watching this video and my heart broke. This woman is my age.  She has been deserted by her family, raped, and no long able to walk.  When I watch this video I feel two main emotions. Guilt. Guilty that I have like a family who loves me, two working legs, and never experienced great suffering.  I also feel pity.  Pity for her and how sad a situation she is in.

It is quite possible that I would have forgotten about this girl in about a week.  But then God started stirring in my heart.  These videos are created for a reason. For more than just 5 minutes of pity and guilt. God changed these emotions to compassion, but I want to live my life to help woman such as her.  Children who have been abandoned, raped, prostituted, abused, and left to feel more emotions than they can possibly handle.  I want to watch God transform their lives.  I want to tell them they are not just a number or a video I saw once.  I want to look them in the eye and tell them the God of universe sent His perfect Son to die, so that He could one day hold you in His hand and tell you of His love for you.

I soon realize my pity and guilt will get Consolatta no where, but God is in her life.  He is revealing His love in her life.  The fact that she can get in front of a camera and tell her story is AMAZING!  He is revealing His glory through her.  I don't know this woman anymore than this video that is a little under 5 minutes, but I want to be a servant to a God who is as powerful enough to bring her from where she was to where she is now.

The best part is..He isn't done in her life and He isn't done in mine.

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
   because the LORD has anointed me
   to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
   to proclaim freedom for the captives
   and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
   and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn, 

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
   instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
   instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
   instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
   a planting of the LORD
   for the display of his splendor. 

Isaiah 61:1-3

Romans 8:28

Across the will of nature
Lead on the path of God;
Not where the flesh delighteth
The feet of Jesus trod.
~Amy Carmichael

My goal is God Himself, not joy nor peace,
Not even blessing, but Himself, my God.
~Oswald Chambers

WARNING:the following is sappy reflections so if you don't like sappiness return to facebook :)

So I feel like all words I have been writing the last few months about living uncomfortably and facing anxiety will be things I will come face to face with in this next season of my life. I will be moving out of the beloved apartment 4. It is a lot harder than I ever expected. So much life has happened in this apartment. It is the first place I have called home since my parents house. Like when I'm on long vacations I long to come home to apt. 4. It's home, I decorated it with my roomies, I learned to cook here, I learned what being a good roommate and friend looks like, I became a real adult here. I learned to make more decisions on my own. I learned how to pay bills. I learned a deeper level of selflessness. I learned to clean a bathroom. (thanks natalie!) And many many more things. And over the last few years through every roommate change and learning all this, one amazing friend has been there the whole time. But now I have chosen to leave a place I call home and some wonderful roommates. I have a new found respect of people who move around all time or have to face changes more often than I do. I know I'm being awfully dramatic for only moving 5 miles away, but hey its my blog, so I get to write what I want ;)

All that being said I am also INCREDIBLY excited for what God has in store. Here is the part that brings that uncomfortable and fear/anxious stuff. Adjusting to a new living space in always uncomfortable and learning to live with a new person and hoping she don't notice ALL my flaws right away. But also living on campus with a whole bunch of new freshman...this I'm kinda excited for, but also praying for patience :) I'm also taking the largest number of credits I have ever taken, along with work, volunteering, and leadership stuff. Its bit overwhelming, but I don't say it to complain. Instead to say that because I will have to face my fear of doing what seems like a lot of things in my eyes. I know that all this will cause me to rely on God more. There is absolutely no way I can do any of things well without Him. When I'm not at my very weakest, it's easier for me to miss what God does. So I go into this is semester very much aware of my fleshes weakness and fear, but knowing that Jesus has walked before me preparing a way. I am so excited to see who God brings into my life and what He has to teach me and the people around me. It's going to be good :)

He promises!

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

So stay tuned...this fall will be full of stupid stories and lessons learned. That's it for now, I'm off to enjoy summer for one more month! :)

Restless

Hello Lord
By Sara Groves

Hello Lord, it's me your child
I have a few things on my mind
Right now I'm faced with big decisions
And I'm wondering if you have a minute, cuz
Right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up

I know that you tore the veil
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I just can't hear you.

I don't doubt your sovereignty
I doubt my own ability to
Hear what you're saying
And to do the right thing
And I desperately want to do the right thing
But right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up

I know that you tore the veil
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I just can't hear you.

And somewhere in the back of my mind
I think you are telling me to wait
And though patience has never been mine
Lord, I will wait to hear from you
Oh Lord, I'm waiting on you

Right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up

I know that you tore the veil
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I think you're whispering

I have so many thoughts, but this song covers the majority of them. I want so much to know God's plans for me life. I know that I will be in Ames this coming year, but I don't know where I will be doing an internship in the spring. I hope to go to Africa soon but nothings for sure. I have no idea what I want to do when I graduate, which is less than a year away. I want to help the hurting and bring light to darkness, but how? where? when? why? Well not why. I know the why. "My commands is this: Love each other as I have loved you." John 15:12

So...do I go to grad school, overseas, intern somewhere for a year here in the states, or do I stay in Ames? It's just plain confusing. I really wish I could do all four. They are all good and I could honor God doing them any of them, but somehow I have to come to choose just one. So God, what do you want? I ask this question every morning and after a few months of asking I still have no answer. So what's the next step?

I have almost come to terms with the fact that I might not know the answers to all the these questions for awhile. So for now I have decided focus on today, just like Jesus says to do. "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34 And guess what? When you listen to Jesus things get considerably better. Imagine that! :) I realized that I have enough things to work on today such as selfishness and patience. Those are more practical things to work on during the day then telling God the pluses and minuses of going to graduate school or where I would and wouldn't like to go. Does that mean that I stop praying about the future? No, but I try to divert my mind away from dwelling on it when I'm going throughout my day. Do I do it perfectly? Jesus knows better, but I'm learning! :) So for now I'm still confused, but I know God has a plan that I cannot possibly fathom that will probably happen while I'm living my daily life. Resulting in me almost missing what I have spent lots of time thinking about, but we'll see!

Human Trafficking/Orphan Stuff

Rescue those being led away to death;
hold back those staggering toward slaughter.
If you say, “But we knew nothing about this,”
does not he who weighs the heart perceive it?
Does not he who guards your life know it?
Will he not repay everyone according to what they have done?
Proverbs 24:11-12

So at the orphan conference I went to a break-out session on human trafficking. Although I had learned about trafficking in the U.S. in one of my classes last semester, but my heart broke at this break-out session. I had just never heard these horrible stories before. I came home and wanted to learn more. Here are some of the things I have learned thus far. If you don't want to read this thing than just watch one or both videos.

• 6 min video

• a 19 year old's story

Here is a website with some random facts. Here are some of them:

• The AIDS epidemic in Africa has left many children orphaned, making them especially vulnerable to human trafficking.
• Brazil and Thailand are generally considered to have the worst child sex trafficking records.
• The FBI estimates that over 100,000 children and young women are trafficked in America today. They range in age from nine to 19, with the average being age 11. Many victims are not just runaways or abandoned, but are from “good” families who are coerced by cleaver traffickers.
• Human trafficking has been reported in all 50 states, Washington, D.C., and in some U.S. territories.
• Sex traffickers often recruit children because not only are children are more unsuspecting and vulnerable than adults, but there is also a high market demand for young victims. Traffickers target victims on the telephone, on the Internet, through friends, at the mall, and in after-school programs.
• According to the FBI, a large human-trafficking organization in California in 2008 not only physically threatened and beat girls as young as 12 to work as prostitutes, they also regularly threatened them with witchcraft.
• Some human traffickers recruit handicapped young girls, such as those suffering from Down Syndrome, into the sex industry.
• Victims of human trafficking suffer devastating physical and psychological harm. However, due to language barriers, lack of knowledge about available services, and the frequency with which traffickers move victims, human trafficking victims and their perpetrators are difficult to catch.
• Human trafficking is estimated to surpass the drug trade in less than five years. Journalist Victor Malarek reports that it is primarily men who are driving human trafficking, specifically trafficking for sex.
  
• Human trafficking is one of the fastest growing criminal enterprises because it holds relatively low risk with high profit potential. Criminal organizations are increasingly attracted to human trafficking because, unlike drugs, humans can be sold repeatedly.
• Family members will often sell children and other family members into slavery; the younger the victim, the more money the trafficker receives. For example, a 10-year-old named Gita was sold into a brothel by her aunt. The now 22-year-old recalls that when she refused to work, the older girls held her down and stuck a piece of cloth in her mouth so no one would hear her scream as she was raped by a customer. She would later contract HIV.
• Women are trafficked to the U.S. largely to work in the sex industry (including strip clubs, peep and touch shows, massage parlors that offer sexual services, and prostitution). They are also trafficked to work in sweatshops, domestic servitude, and agricultural work.
• Human trafficking victims face physical risks, such as drug and alcohol addiction, contracting STDs, sterility, miscarriages, forced abortions, vaginal and anal trauma, among others. Psychological effects include developing clinical depression, personality and dissociative disorders, suicidal tendencies, Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome, and Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

Here is a few websites with more information:

• ZOE International
• read these stories of some prostitutes

Rescue those being led away to death;
hold back those staggering toward slaughter.
If you say, “But we knew nothing about this,”
does not he who weighs the heart perceive it?
Does not he who guards your life know it?
Will he not repay everyone according to what they have done?
Proverbs 24:11-12

Not My Words

Hello Lord, it's me your child

I have a few things on my mind
Right now I'm faced with big decisions
And I'm wondering if you have a minute, cuz
Right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up

I know that you tore the veil
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I just can't hear you.

I don't doubt your sovereignty
I doubt my own ability to
Hear what you're saying
And to do the right thing
And I desperately want to do the right thing
But right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up

I know that you tore the veil
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I just can't hear you.

And somewhere in the back of my mind
I think you are telling me to wait
And though patience has never been mine
Lord, I will wait to hear from you
Oh Lord, I'm waiting on you

Right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up

I know that you tore the veil
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I think you're whispering
~Sara Groves

Strength of my heart, I need not fail,
Not mine to fear but to obey,
With such a Leader, who could quail?
Thou art as Thou wert yesterday.
Strength of my heart, I rest in Thee,
Fulfill thy purposes through me.
~Amy Carmichael

Overwhelmed

The last two weeks have gone by so fast and I need to blog as a form of therapy. This could get lengthy, but here it goes.

Serena, Danbi, and I at supper before Danbi went back home. I was overwhelmed by how fast you can become good friends with someone, but then have to say good bye. Someday I hope to visit South Korea, but until then skype will have to due ;)

A trip to Ledges during finals week. Finals week was less stressful than the last, so I had a little more time to stop and reflect on what God has done the last year. I was overwhelmed by the way God intricately intertwined my life with certain people for specific lessons and some lessons that have yet to be learned. When at the bottom of the hills at Ledges I felt like I was standing in God's hand. I was so small yet so secure.

The week after finals 5 of us college students and a married couple from our church went to the Christian Alliance for Orphans Summit in Kentucky. Here, I was overwhelmed by the pain in the world. I was overwhelmed by information about HIV orphans, how to interact with children who have had trauma in their past, street children, human trafficking, and a WHOLE LOT more. I loved it!! This conference has forever changed me in ways that I am still learning.

I felt so blessed to have a group of people I was able to go there and experience it with. Some of my favorite quotes from the trip: "We'll talk about it later." "Sanitize it."

Lorie Me and Adrian
Jen and I

I came home for 24 hours after the summit and then embarked on a trip with 4 of my favorite people. On this trip I was overwhelmed by the love He has shown me through these 4 ladies who are very near and dear to my heart. We went to a friends graduation from high school (who will be coming to ISU next year!!) and then we went to my house. We then headed to Lanesburo, MN to do some camping and this was legit camping...like in tents, cooking outside, use the port-a-potty kind of camping. If you know me then you know this is kind of stretch, but I loved it!! There was lots of laughter, learning, and encouragement.

Anna, me, Megan, Jenny, Natalie and Nicole

Allow me to introduce to you, Tabitha. We took Tabitha, this six person bike, 10.1 miles to the neighboring town and then the 10.1 miles back for a total of 20.2. Let me point out that those engineering Tabitha probably only expected her to ridden 5 miles at time...at most. It took us 6 hours full of laughter, singing, cheering, talking (may be with different accents and thanks to Nicole different languages that are unidentifiable to the human race), and a little complaining may have come out of my mouth as I seemed to be the only one with the common sense that this trek should not be completed on a bike that looked like our dear Tabitha. There was a farmer in his tractor that was so shocked at the site of our trolley looking contraption riding down the bike path that we saw him laugh and immediately pick up his cell phone and call his wife.


So that brings me today. Today was supposed to be my catch up day. But I have spent over an hour looking at pictures and writing this. What I have learned the last few weeks is that I serve a BIG God and that He is always faithful and good. I am excited at what this summer will bring. I have a sneaking suspicion that this summer will bring more than I can possibly imagine and that my Father will do immeasurably more than I can possibly pray for.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Amy Carmichael

"If by doing some work which the undiscerning consider 'not spiritual work' I can best help others, and I inwardly rebel, thinking it is the spiritual for which I crave, when in truth it is the interesting and exciting, then I know nothing of Calvary love."
-- Amy Carmichael

A Chance to Die: The Life and Legacy of Amy Carmichael by Elisabeth Elliot is one of the most challenging and encouraging books I have ever read--still reading actually!! I love this quote because it is a clear picture that serving others--changing diapers, doing dishes, folding laundry, giving someone a ride--is not glamorous or clearly identifiably 'spiritual', but it shows people Jesus all the same.

Adoption

The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.

Romans 8:15

At the bottom of my study Bible, it says, "The underlying work here is adoption. Adoption was common among the Greeks and Romans, who granted the adopted sons all the privileges of a natural son, including inheritance rights. Christians are adopted sons by grace; Christ, however, is God's Son by nature. Abba Father is the expression of an especially close relationship to God."

Lately I have been angry with my sin. Fed up with the way I think and act. I think of how people see me as a good person on the outside, but Jesus knows my heart. He knows my selfishness. He knows my pride. He knows everything. Yet as my screaming voice hung Him on that cross, He loved me. He pursues me. Me, a sinner who murdered Him. But He doesn't see me as a sinner. He sees me as His child because He has adopted me as His child. I call Him my Father. I get to experience His love, mercy, and hope because Jesus loved me even when I was screaming "Crucify Him!".

 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:6-8

It is that love that I lay down my life and say "Not my will, but yours be done." (Jesus said it first, Matt. 26:39) It is this love that has transformed my life. It doesn't mean I'm perfect. But it does mean I have a Father who will be there to pick me up when I fall. It does mean that if I find my strength in Him and walk in the path He has prepared for me that I can do anything. (Phil. 4:13)

For the above reasons, I LOVE adoption. I love orphans, because I see them as God saw me. I was angry, confused, lost, and lonely. Then He said, "I love you" and it changed my world. I want to tell orphans that Jesus loves them and let God change their world too. This is the deepest desire of my heart. That is why God has put me on this earth --to experience His love and share it with the orphaned.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

Katie Davis

I gave my last speech today and it one to inspire. I talked about Katie Davis and here is what I said...

I know a woman who is a mother to 14. This woman has feed 1,600 children. This woman has provided schooling for 400 children. This woman is the founder and executive director of Amazima Ministries. This woman is 22 years old. For about a year, I have been reading her blogs. Today I want to talk about how this woman, has shown courage and selflessness to influence thousands of lives around her. When Katie left the U.S. 3 years ago she was like many of us. She was young and a little uncertain of what she wanted to do, but determined to make a difference. From Katie’s story, we can see what courage and selflessness can accomplish.

Katie was 18 years old when she first went to Uganda, Africa for short-term mission trip. Five months later after graduating high school, she was boarding a plane back to Uganda to teach kindergarten at an orphanage. It takes great courage for an 18 year old to leave behind a loving family, close friends, and a boyfriend she was madly in love with. She also left behind warm showers, eight hours of sleep, a comfortable bed, and air conditioning, but this is what she gained.

A mosquito net became her security blanket . The net helps her to avoid being bitten by mosquitoes carrying malaria, among other diseases. However, she still sleeps with crickets and ants. A rat the size of a house cat lives in her bathroom and bats live in her shower. She eats cornmeal boiled in water, which tastes like Elmer’s glue, for two meals a day.

However, after posting all this she writes about all the wonderful things that are happening in the children’s lives around her. She rejoices in that she gets to teach little children and love them in a way few people ever get a chance.

After two years of being in Africa, Katie courageously took on the responsibility of being the adopted mother of three homeless orphans, ages 5, 7, and 9. Becoming a mother at age 20, to three girls who have had numerous years of abandonment and abuse to deal with, is no small undertaking.

Selflessness is one of the qualities I saw most often in Katie’s posts. Katie frequently posted about sharing her bed with sick orphans. One orphan had a fever of 105 and dying from Malaria, but she woke up every hour to give the child a sponge bath and every four to give medicine.

Since that post, she has adopted 14 girls. They all call her mom and she cares for each of their needs. This means, if one of them wakes up in the middle of the night she lays with them until they go back to sleep. Since most of them have been abused in the past this happens frequently. Her youngest daughters have become her alarm clock, waking her up at the break of dawn.

Last week Katie opened up a free clinic in her front yard to the slum community of a nearby village. In selfless ambition, Katie has also started a sponsorship program that has grown to provide over 400 children with schooling for a whole year. She has also created a meal program, feeding over 1,600 children five days a week.

Most of us are only in our 20’s. Katie is clear example that you do not have to be old to make a difference. I want to do something impactful with my life. Katie’s story shows us that if you display courage and selflessness you can impact thousands. I am not saying that you need to go and strive to change the lives of 2,000 children, but when you turn 23 or if you are over 23, how many people will say or can say, that your courageous and selfless actions have impacted them?

So that's what I wrote. Her life emulates Jesus is a very evident way. That is a what I want my life to look like. "And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.'" Matthew 25:40

a heartbreaking story

Here is a post I found on the kissesfromkatie blog. If you would like to read the short version of her story click here. The post is an old one but I as read it, it triggered many emotions that i needed to feel, so here it is for you to read.

“Who will sing my lullaby?
Who will hold me when I cry?
When I awake and no one’s there
Who will sing my lullaby?”

Africa is a beautiful place, a place that I love to call home. When writing, I try o paint a picture of this Africa: a place where people love each other and the Lord, a place of hope and resilience, a place of blind faith, of renewal and life. But today, I want to tell you a story that breaks my heart. It is my hope that it will break yours too. I hope that tonight you will struggle with your warm shower and home cooked meal as you ponder the question, “Why me? Why am I so blessed?” I pray that this story could challenge you, could make you long for change. Africa is a beautiful place, but today, let it break your heart.

This is the story of Sumini. Sumini is a 5 year old girl that looks no older than three. Her cheek bones, hip bones, rib cage and shoulder blades poke out in the places that an American child would be cute and chubby. Her hair is not the jet black it should be but rather gray-brown from malnutrition. It is 4 am. Sumini is sleeping restlessly next to me in my bed (probably on the only mattress she has ever seen in her life) with a 105 degree fever. Sumini is dying. Just last week a lively, blissful little girl in my kindergarten class, now she tosses and turns helplessly leaving me to pray harder and longer than I ever have in my life. My heart physically hurts in my chest.

5 days ago Sumini walked the three miles to school with a very high fever. Guessing it was malaria, I took her to the hospital and was right. They gave me her treatment but only after warning me that with malaria as far along and severe as hers combined with severe malnutrition the chances of her survival were slim. So here I am. Just watching her breathe and knowing it could be last. And I’m sad. And I’m angry. And I’m scared.

Sumini loves to sing. When she does her voice is small and beautiful and full of joy. She also loves to color. She has gone through two whole coloring books and several of my walls since she has been with us these last few days. She is always eager to help; t\when she got here she found a jerry can and wanted to take it to the lake to fetch water. (She was shocked to learn of a tap, that water could just flow out of the sink right there in my house!) She is learning her alphabet and to pick different colors out of her box of crayons. She is just a child. She could be your child. She could be you. She could be me. Instead she lives in a dirt hut the size of my little shower with her grandfather who is just about too old to move. She goes days with food. She walks miles to school even when she is sick. Before school, around 5 am, she walks a mile to the well and then back again with 20 pound of water on her head (and she barely weight\s 60). THAT could be your child. THAT could be you. THAT could be me. She didn’t choose the life she was assigned and you didn’t either. So what if the roles were reversed? What if you were small and scared and dying in Africa of a totally preventable and curable disease and she was sitting comfortably at your computer with a mug of coffee?

When the disciples asked Jesus what the blind man did to deserve his condition, Jesus replied, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned but this happened to him so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” (John 9:3) Poverty is not a sin. I believe it is a condition, a circumstance that allows God’s work to be displayed.

Sumini smiles at me. In the dark, her black face blends right in and all I can see is the bright flash of her teeth. Sumini will not die – not today, because God has put me here to make sure of that. God has put me here to hold her. God has put me here to give her a sponge bath every hour and ibeprophen every four. God has given me the provision to be able to afford the malaria treatment her grandfather cant. God has woken me that I may spend tonight praying vigilantly for the welfare of this child. But what about the others? What about the countless other children who will wake up tonight scared and burning with a fever so high it will kill them? Will anyone notice them? Will anyone even care? Who will sing their lullaby? Who will hold them when they cry?

Every circumstance is an opportunity for God’s work to be displayed. Will we do His work? Will he be displayed in our lives? Sumini could have just as easily been you. How will you change your world today?