Run Your Race

Hello Friends. It's been awhile.

Lately I've been developing disciplines. Last Spring I wanted to start a healthy lifestyle of exercise but didn't know what that looked like. A friend (who happens to be the mom one of my very best friends) offered to run with me. I've ran in my past but not like this. I don't ever run unless she is there with me (notice italics in developing disciplines..it's hard to get out of bed at 5:50am). She has a watch and every run is timed. Making sure we know and keep our pace. She has worked with me to slowly get me up to running 3 miles. I ran my first one today!

There are many metaphors in running obviously and the Bible talks about it in multiple places but I wanted to share some of I learned today upon reflection of my running experience thus far:

--Do not judge the value of your pace by others. Jeannie had to slow us down because she knew we were running too fast at the start. We knew what we were capable of and what our pace should be. To think we were doing poorly because other people were passing us would have been incorrect.
   Translation to walking with Jesus: We each have our own bodies, giftings, and limitations. We are all running our individual race towards Heaven. To judge the value of  our gifts or skills based on someone else's creates division and envy within the body which Jesus specifically prays against (John 17:22-23).

--Let yourself be challenged by those around you. We ran faster than we ever had because there were people around us challenging us.
    Translation for a Christian's life: Living in community with other Christians should be a priority because it will encourage you to live on the edge of your ability, challenging you to run your race faster. Seeing someone find a helpful way to memorize scripture, read the Bible, or cook for their family should help us to be more effective for the Kingdom. 

--There was physical pain involved in running. Whether side-ache, pain in your shin, knee, ankle etc.  there is almost always something that hurts.
    Translation for believers in Jesus: Running your race to Heaven will involve suffering. This world is broken and full of sin. But God promises to uses this pain for good because He called us by name and is using our lives for His purposes (Romans 8:28). 

--Rewards come at the end of the race. I got chocolate-no joke-it was called the "Halloween Hot Chocolate Race". Jesus loves me and knows how to reward me here on earth :)
    Translation to the body of Believers: We will receive a reward, for persevering and obeying despite the pain, when we get to Heaven. (Matt. 6:19-21)

So dear friend, as the author of Hebrews encourages, "let us run with perseverance the run marked out for us" (Heb. 12:1-3). Be who God made you to be. Persevere in faith "fixing [your] eyes on Jesus", who loves you and has called you by name to be His. Be encouraged by the amazing stories God is writing around you in the lives of your brothers and sisters-in-Christ.

Jeannie and I before the race

To all you half and full marathoners out there-you're crazy and maybe one day I'll be one of you but for right now I'm encouraged by you enough to just get out and run a 5K :) 

Breathing Deep

This year has been one of intense wrestling with the God of the universe. One that has left me with wounds I am not ready for blog world to know just yet. Walking with people who have deep wounds effects the depths of who I am. There is deep assurance and peace I have in doing what I do, but it has and continues to leave it's mark on me. Pain such as I have seen and experienced in the last year I had previously only heard of. I am not sure I can communicate how it has challenged me, but I will try.

There was time when God awoke my heart to the sufferings others experienced. He showed it to me in the friends He brought into my life and He lead me to resources that told of stories of all sorts of pain. He coupled this with revealing scripture after scripture to me about His desire to heal and redeem (Isaiah 61, Hosea 2, Ezekiel 3...to name a few). My heart was caught up in a new passion-to see Jesus redeem deep brokenness. I suppose, as a result to this desire He lead me to a Master of Social Work degree. While all this was happening He let me walk beside women and sisters in Christ and watch Him heal them. I wrestled with Him to some extent about what He allowed them to experience but nothing would have prepared me for what He had in-store.

Eventually came the day when I had received my degrees and training. The time had come to give whole life and step into a career of helping others. And so began the journey as a mental health therapist. A therapist working with primarily children. Children with deep wounds. Such brokenness broke me. My life seemed swallowed up in grief and sorrow over these children. To walk with them and their families was what God had designed me to do. But oh how it effected me. 

Joy seemed like something of a dream that existed long ago. Happiness would occasionally show it's face but only briefly. Fear became a constant companion never leaving my side. People around me lived their lives but I was just weary with sorrow and grief. Every day a weight hung over me from the burden of these children.

Then I experienced a loss and sorrow in my own life as my husband and I went through a miscarriage. This on top of burdens from others I was already bearing nearly crushed me. In my grieving, questions that had laid beneath the surface finally bubbled up. One question seemed more prominent than the rest. How does a loving God allow such evil and pain to touch His beloved children? In following Jesus' invitation to investigate His Word, I have wrestled with this deep thought and through Scripture as well as a couple of sermons from the church I call home I have found multiple answers. Here is a great sermon from my home church and here is another one.

I made some decisions through this process and as time has passed I have developed a better balance in my life. I still do the job I am deeply passionate about and I still feel the pain of personal loss, but God is redeeming in the beautiful way only He can. Through the process I have learned that joy comes from fixing my eyes on the hope of Heaven-where no pain or suffering exists (Rev. 21).  That I am to give my burdens over to the One who died so that He may carry and redeem them (Matt 11:28-30). I have learned the importance of rest and enjoying the things my Father created me to enjoy. I believe I will spend the rest of my life disciplining myself daily in all three of these areas...and I believe that is okay.

So today I take a breathe. One that comes from deep within my inmost being. I acknowledge the evil and agree with God it is not okay. I acknowledge that I do not fully understand why a loving God allows the pain and suffering that evil causes.  But I will choose to trust that the lack of my understanding does not make my God's love any less perfect or powerful.  Today I breathe deep a love that I cannot comprehend. I breath in peace, joy, and healing. As I walk this life with the divine purpose of burden bearer (Gal. 6:2), I treasure the moments--the days--were I get to breathe deep and rest (Matt. 11:28). 

In Over My Head

Then you crash over me and I've lost control but I'm free

I am going under, I am in over my head

And you crash over me, I'm where You want me to be

I'm going under, I'm in over my head

Whether I sink, whether I swim

It makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head

Whether I sink, whether I swim

It makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head

I'm Beautifully in over my head

I'm Beautifully in over my head

In over my head-Bethel

Whew! It has been quite the whirlwind in my life. My heart deeply connected with the lyrics above that I heard for the first time today. After an intense season (see previous post) God has calmed the storm a bit and letting me get back on my feet. My most ever read post was a prayer inspired by a song that God would take me deeper into the ocean--where feet may fail and fear surrounds. Incase you were wondering God answered.  

He gave me my hearts desire. To go deep with people and shine light into the darkness hiding within. This has shaken me. This has completely stripped me of all my independence and self-sufficiency. While I give up quite the fight, Jesus always wins. He has to be my Source of light and love. Period. I have been forced to trust Him in every part of my emotional and physical being. Daily I am emptied of my strength and forced to once again rely on Him for the words I speak and the actions I show. When I attempt a day on my own I can get through half a day...maybe. But fear is quick to overtake me when I don't abide in Jesus. 

Yes, God has certainly brought me out into the ocean. But I am beginning to realize the waves that Satan tries to destroy me with are what God uses for good. When fear hits me hard there seems to be something good that comes out of it. Frequently it results in me being forced to acknowledge God's sovereignty and abide in Him more intimately. So out here in the ocean I have experienced amazing grace. I am learning freedom from fear. I am learning deep peace that I never dreamt possible. And I am learning great dependence and strength. 

He saves the lost. He empowers the weak. He is faithful to the faithless. Because Jesus died these things have been made a reality in my life. I was nothing, but He made me His Beloved. He is Lord and He is Love. He has claimed me as His daughter. In love, His daughter is being sanctified by the ocean that I may look more like Jesus when I reach Heaven some day. This my life. And I would want it no other way.

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to change the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things--and the things that are not---to nullify the things that are sot hat no may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God--that is our righteousness, holiness, and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

1 Cor. 1:27-31

the real story behind our engagement

Photo credit…valmarlene.com

I want to post some engagement pictures, but I think a lot of times other people look at these pictures and believe that the life of whomever is in the picture is certainly better than their own. And so I hesitate. 

Our season of engagement is not at all what I expected. Let me first say that my fiancé has loved me with incredible persistence and extravagance the last 4 months. Also, I absolutely love my job and it is what God has gifted me to do. Both of those statements are true without question.

What's also true is that the last 4 months of been among the most difficult of my life. I cried more than any previous season (if you know my you know that's a significant- amount). Every day is legitimate battle against not only my own flesh/sin, but also against the sin others commit. I am a weak selfish person aside from the power of the Holy Spirit living inside me. That has never been so clear as it has been in the last 4 months. Sin's prevalence in this world is astounding and horrific. However, the most important Truth I have wrestled with and am choosing to believe is that Jesus' death on the Cross is enough to conquer any sin that exists in my heart and the world. What I daily live is a battle against my own fear and doubt. Then I go to work and go deep into the darkness of other's lives and do the same with them. The depths of my soul that has always enjoyed and longed to do more of this with people is fully satisfied. This is why I love my job.

While all of that is true, due to intenseness of the battle the last few months I have struggled in every area of my life. I have struggled in my relationship with Jesus. This effects all other areas of my life: Mark, friendships, and work. On more than one occasion I felt so worthless (due to my own heart issues) that I just wanted to give my ring back to Mark. I have isolated myself because I have felt defeated by my job and have no energy left to relationally engage with anyone. While I love my job, there are days I just scrape by because I am so exhausted.

Photo credit…valmarlene.com

Due to my lack of trust in God's ability to help me I have struggled greatly with anxiety. This has caused wedding planning to become a chore rather than a joy. God has been super gracious and provided all that I need, but I have been an anxious mess through it. Unfortunately, the result has been that it hasn't been super joyful time I always imagined. He has taught me that in my ability to suck the joy out of something that is supposed to be great, He is still faithful. He will give me what I need. And that is a beautiful truth to realize because you can bet that I will continue to struggle with anxiety in planning this wedding in the last month and half of engagement. Our engagement will continue and nothing big is changing. But I pray that I would maybe trust Him a little bit more now as I step forward. 

So that's my story friends. The story of our first 4 months of engagement and how it doesn't meet any of my expectations that I always dreamed of. But you know what? I wouldn't want it any other way, because God glorified Himself in it and that is what I live for. He will not let me find hope and joy anything less than Himself. While that is painful thing, it is a beautiful thing.

Photo credit…valmarlene.com

…we rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope will not disappoint us, becsaue God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

My diamond ring...

It's been nearly two months since I've been wearing this beautiful diamond on my left ring finger and in that time I have had a couple of revelations I want to share.

First, upon receiving this ring I noticed almost immediately I began purposefully positioning my hand so that all can see it. However, the reason why may not be what you first suspect. While I love my ring and think it is beautiful, I do not show it with the intent for everyone to notice it's beauty. The reason I kept repositioning my hand was so that everyone would know I am taken. I have taken the ring as a sign of Mark's continual commitment to me. It's a sign to all that a commitment has been made.

This brings me to the second reason I love my ring. Whatever day I am having I can look down at my ring and be reminded of a love that is continual. A love that is not only emotional (emotions fluctuate), but a love that endures.  A love that bears all things, believes of all things, hopes all things, and endures all things (1 Corinthians 13:7). In Greek (the original language this verse was written in) endure means "to remain, to preserve under misfortunes and trials, to bear bravely". A love that is present through every sin committed, every temptation overcame, every painful experience, and every joyful moment. 

I know that I am loved, deeply, when I look at my ring. 

This love Mark and I have for each other is

because God first loved us by allowing His Son, Jesus, to die as payment for our sins (Romans 6:23). So, by giving me the ring Mark is saying that he wants to stand before God and a bunch of people and agree to be forever committed to loving me as his wife no matter what and by receiving the ring I am saying the same thing.

So, that's why I love my ring. Because it reminds me of love…God's continual love, seen through Mark's actions towards me. 

It's not a professional photo, but one taken by an excited newly (5 hours) engaged lady :)

Licensed, employed, and ENGAGED!

Well, hello there. Lots of life has happened since my last post in May. 

I am now writing to you as a Licensed Master of Social Worker, employed therapist, AND

 the future Mrs. Mark Lukasiewicz!!!

My God is faithful. He charts a path and leads me through it. Along the path are circumstances that cause me to take (big and small) leaps of faith. All forcing me to rely more deeply on His sovereign love and mercy. So that through it all I can only give Him glory for every accomplishment.

God has given me a desire to bind-up the broken-hearted and set free those covered in darkness (Isaiah 61). He used this passion to push me through all the exams and papers in grad school and to drive me to complete my licensing exam. He filled me with more knowledge than I can ever communicate. He has gifted me with specific friendships to help equip me to be a knowledgable therapist/social worker. He then provides a job in town "in need of intense healing" (says my boss). How perfect is that?!? 

While in my last year of graduate school, God saw fit to bring a man into my life to push me to know Christ more and to show me just how personal His love is for me. Mark has loved me without hesitation, despite my sin (past, present, and future). Not because I deserve it, but because God is a God of mercy. By grace alone God has brought Mark into my life. And by grace alone did Mark ask me to marry him in the most perfect way that was so specific to who I am and the way God wired me.

It feels as if I am on a high hill looking back at my Savior's loving faithfulness in the crazy season of college student singleness and a deep joy fills me down to the very depths of my soul. Then, as I turn to look at the other side of the giant hill I can see the beginnings of a new season as a wife and therapist. It's a season that is destined to be filled with just as many moments of painful surrender and just as many sweet revelations of the depth of God's love for not only me, but for all peoples. 

Deep breath…here it goes!!!

An Unlikely Pairing

A little over two years ago I decided to attend UNI for graduate school. I had a short time to figure out a place to live in Cedar Falls once I left my dorm that May and I was a bit nervous. My brother lives in Cedar Falls and he told his small group from church that his sister was looking for a place to live. A couple said they knew of a woman who might be willing to house a grad student. I came to meet Nancie for the first time for lunch and she then offered to rent out a room to me. Apparently she was really trusting God and/or I gave off a responsible vibe, because not everyone would offer a 23 year old they have known an hour to live with them for an undetermined amount of time. However, that is exactly what Nancie did and next year and a half would profoundly impact me.

So, I moved into her home about three weeks after the lunch meeting, with no idea when I would be leaving. My heart was a bit in pieces about moving away from Ames. However, Nancie had a way of making her home feel like my home. When we would go places she would know everyone, which made Cedar Falls seem less intimidating. I managed to stay fairly busy on my own, but I was able to go to church, eat meals, watch movies, and go to exercise class with her occasionally. I even enjoyed an organ concert with some of her friends once!

From watching Nancie live her life and having many discussions with her, I have learned a tremendous amount. When you live with someone you get to know them fairly well. This was no exception in our living situation. I have learned that aging is difficult for numerous reasons, but by the grace of God it can be done well. I also learned that while living with people your own age is nice, there are benefits to living with someone who has many years of wisdom to offer. I discovered that as I walked through each day I had need for wisdom. From how to close the bread bag without a twisty-tie, to baking, to cleaning, to yard work, to entertaining, to messy life situations she was there to offer her wisdom. I learned that even though there may no longer be a man in the house, it is possible for a woman to unclog the basement drain, deal with the flooding basement, and get out a mini-chainsaw to cut a tree limb. Yes, she did all of the above. And God was faithful to provide assistance when needed.

Above all other things, witnessing her walk with God had the most profound impact on me. She never stops serving and seeking to know Him more. She attends women's Bible studies at church. She planned events for the older generations at church. She has used the loss of her husband to start a social group for other woman who are in the same situation. (They are the ones I got to go to an organ concert with!) Her Bible can be found on the counter where she eats most of her meals (if she's not in her study). With the overflow of what God gives her she encourages and prays for those around her, including whatever friend I would bring home with me. Her faith is strong and firm and God continues to bless her. When she decided to sell her house the first couple who looked at the house bought. He then provided the perfect place for me to live for the reminder of my time at UNI. He is faithful.

We may not live together anymore and I may not do the best job of keeping in touch with her, I am still influenced by the year and a half that I got to live with her. She truly is an incredible lady with incredible faith.  I truly love the little snippets of time I get to spend with her now. I will forever be grateful that God allowed me to intimately witness her life for a little while. 

I love you, Nancie! :)

Grad School?….check!

Do you ever have those moments when you look back and think "Wow. I can't believe I just did that!"?  

Maybe it was after you passed a test, finished your first marathon (or just ran 2 miles) or had a baby or survived your first year parenting or just simply a day at work, or a day in the life of you. I just so happen to be having one of those moments currently, so I thought I'd process it with you.

Two weeks from today I will have just received my Master of Social Work degree. That's right, I will have completed graduate school. Folks, this is not something I ever thought or dreamed I would accomplish. Ever. I went into this whole graduate school thing sort of dragging my feet. Remember that? That was a pleasant learning experience.

What God had in-store for me in the next two years would be insane. Not only would I receive my graduate degree after two years, but I would participate in starting a campus ministry and planting a church, witness broken hearts being healed (both my own and others), learn the exquisite beauty of authenticity, and participate as an intern and eventually a board member at a pregnancy center (click here to see my commercial debut). God would do so much more than I could have imagined in two years.

Where I took nearly all my classes

Sunset on the last night of the VBS

Within all of things God had in store for me, there would be pain. In the last two years there have been some really low points. There were times I felt like I was drowning and no one but Jesus was paying attention. Turns out He is an excellent "lifeguard" to have watching over you when you think no one sees or understands the darkness you are wrestling with. He is always there. No matter what. And what's more, is that I know Him better because He and I walked through these valleys together.

There have been some really great points too! Watching a church family being formed probably tops the list. However, watching sunrises and sunsets, meeting amazing friends, experiencing my first professional bull riding event, herding cattle, and organizing a vacation Bible school for kids in a mobile home community were pretty amazing as well. 

Some crazy friends I met.

God's glory from my run tonight.

I would say that I have witnessed God's glory in ways I never thought possible. I felt Him more deeply than ever before. I know Him more intimately than I did two years ago. He has lead me into grad school, been through each day, and is leading me onto the next adventure. And, I could not be more grateful the adventure of graduate school.  

What's next you might ask? IDK. For now, I wait. I wait to take and hopefully pass my licensing exam. I wait for God to provide a job, somewhere in central Iowa. I wait for Him to provide a place to live other than my parent's  basement (however nice that basement might be). But, I feel that I am doing what the Bible calls me to do. So, I will wait for the revealing of whatever God might have next and rest in remembering His faithfulness in the past. 

Wait for the LORD;

be strong and courageous.

Wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27:14

He only knows where this path leads next.

Beauty in the Imperfect

It seems that technology and social media have made creating the perfect image simple. Everyone seems to post only the most flattering pictures for the world to see. And, in their/my defense who really wants to look at pictures of someone else looking bad? But what is real? When the phone or camera isn't positioned just right or when the coloring hasn't been adjusted? Ladies, what about when the make-up comes off? When you're clothes don't fit you just right?

Life is messy, littered with imperfections. Sin is pervasive and penetrating into the depths of every person's soul. Sin is like a single drop of red food coloring on pure white almond frosting, making it a horrible pink color. One drop ruins an entirely beautiful and tasty patch of frosting.

Sin = Messy Imperfection

However, what I have learned is that there is incredible beauty in imperfection. 

God designed parents and family to be the first display of an incredible love that overlooks faults. I think friends are also supposed to show that same forgiveness regardless of one's shortcomings. When you get older a spouse demonstrates this same unbelievable love. A spouse agrees to enter into a lifetime covenant where there is nothing the other can do, no sin the other could commit, that they will not have to forgive. All of these examples of unconditional love are meant to point us to the ultimate display of perfect love. The Cross. 

God is perfect. We are not. God steps down into our imperfect world through a man named Jesus. He, alone, lived the perfect life that you and I could never live. God saw the beauty in human imperfection. Jesus died on a cross for that imperfection to be transformed.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus who did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking on the very nature of servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the death--even death on a cross. Philippians 2:5-6

So, I live a life full of imperfections. I make idols out of my dreams, other peoples opinions, and relationships. I have blemishes on my super pale skin. I eat too much when I'm stressed. I'm clumsy, messy, disorganized, undisciplined, forgetful, and scared. And do you know what? God still loves me. He knows my heart completely, much better than anyone on this earth ever will. And He would still rather die then allow me to experience death and eternal life in hell, which is the payment for all my imperfections/sin. Because Jesus died on a cross and I have excepted Him as my Savior, Heaven will now be my home. Where all things are PERFECT!

However, I am not there yet. Today, I struggle through this beautifully imperfect life on earth. I get to witness God's beauty amongst the messiness. Daily witnessing His perfectly perfecting love. I, a flawed human-being, walking through life on earth basking in the glory of perfect love. Embracing the freedom I have to acknowledge my imperfections and surrender them at the Cross, begging that Jesus transform them. Sometimes is takes awhile, like a lifetime, but He is faithful.

And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. 

2 Corinthians 3:18

Join me in a life not afraid to show the imperfections, the real person, because there is a love that embraces and transforms the imperfect into something beautiful.

Into the Darkness as Dawn Approaches

This summer I fell in love with sunrises and sunsets. It all started one Sunday night as I was driving home from work. I could see over the houses and stores that the sun was setting. I decided to chase it. I had no idea where I was going, but I just wanted to see the sunset unobstructed by man made objects. So, I sped past my house and kept driving down the road into the country. Eventually I ended up in the field driveway on a random country road. 

See why I chased it?

It was this night that I felt God whisper that it was the beginning of a new season for Him and I. He set in my heart a desire to seek His face with higher level of intensity then ever before. 

My heart says of you, "Seek His face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek. Psalm 27:8

When thinking about what this new intensity would like, I thought it would be fun to see the sunrise and the sunset every day. My hearts desire was to seek God fully and not waste the day. So, I decided that I would get up when the sun did. You can imagine my surprise and slight shock as I came home that night to discover that in June the sunrises around 5:15-5:30am, but I decided to try it anyway. The first few mornings/weeks were rough, but as the summer progressed I got used to waking up early and to my delight the sun also started rising later ;) I want to share with you just one of the beautiful lessons I learned and am continuing to learn as I meet the sun in the morning.

The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of the day. 

Proverbs 4:18

Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him and He will do this; He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. 

Psalm 37:5-6

And if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday sun. Isaiah 58:10 

Waking up when it was still early and dark was sometimes usually rough. Honestly, there were some mornings I just feel back asleep. But, when I did drag my butt out of bed I NEVER once regretted. The beauty I got to see and the ways Jesus met me were ALWAYS worth it.

There is something profoundly beautiful about rising up in darkness, when few other people are awake. Most people don't seem to want to actually be awake at this time in the morning. However, as I drive out to my favorite place my heart just fills with anticipation at what I might see. Every morning is different. 

 At the beginning of the sunrise I can't see the sun, all I can see it the light it is giving off.  I usually sit safely in my car, as to not put myself in danger. (Running on the trails by myself in darkness is unwise...yes, mom and dad I do sometimes you listen to you guys) But, as I wait patiently the sun slowly begins to reveal itself. Then I get out of my car and begin running. As I run the sun begins to touch creation, shining it's warm light on all things created. It first touches the tips of trees and then trickles down the leaves and spills onto the flowers and prairie grass. Until the light has touched all things.

And I can't not help but see the beautiful picture this paints of the way I desire to live my life. To rise up and run with joyful anticipation into darkness. Having full confidence in the faithfulness of the God I serve to show up. That He will shine His light into the darkness, just like He has for millions of years before. Only at this time, for this day, I get to witness it. Oh, how I long to be a part of it- a part of such extraordinary beauty of bringing light into darkness. That is one of the deepest desires of my heart.

     

What I know of true love...

TRUE LOVE~

*gives me His identity-His name...Christian

*knows my heart and loves me anyway

*heals my brokenness

*satisfies the deepest longings of my soul

*Calls me His Beloved Daughter 

*protects me as I face evil

*is my strength

*Is my rear guard and the one standing beside me holding my hand

*teaches me and instructs me in the way I should go

*plans each day out for me and even lets me pick what we do some days 

*gives me all things I could ever need...clothes, shelter, every meal

*takes me on beautiful adventures both big and small

*trusts me enough to let me help Him accomplish His purposes on this earth

*wraps me up in His exquisite beauty AND calls me beautiful

*Died on a Cross and defeated death so I could be set free from death and condemnation

*Died on a Cross so I could live a life discovering just how high and deep and long and wide TRUE LOVE really is.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophesy, and can fathom all mystery and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophesies they will will cease; where there are tongues they will stilled; where there is knowledge it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child I talked like a child, thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."

1 Corinthians 13

This is what I, a single 23 year old, knows of true love and I'm okay with that ;)

Trusting in His Pursuit

Surely your goodness and love will follow me 

all the days of my life...Psalm 23:6 NIV

Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me 

all the days of my life...Psalm 23:6 NLT

Only goodness and faithful love will pursue me

all the days of my life...Psalm 23:6 HCSB

I used to think this specific passage was God's promise to me. That His faithful goodness and love will pursue me. But if you look at the context, this verse is David's expression of faith. David is saying this to God as something he believes in faith. He has seen God's incredible provision. There were also MANY circumstances in David's life that were far from what we would perceive as an expression of  God's goodness and faithfulness. However, David was still able to proclaim this statement whether or not his life circumstances were displaying God's goodness in a way that he and/or the world understood.

Faith. That is what this man had. And that is what I want more of. I would like to live life in such a way that displays this kind of faith and trust. What does that look like?

I can tell you what it doesn't look like. Sometimes I find myself like a child who's arms are loaded down with carrying all her beautiful toys she's been given. Goodness and love keeps piling it on and she just doesn't want to let any of it go because it's all just so good. So her arms if full and sore from carry it all and she can't see where she's going. 

Ya, I think that it is time to let some of it go. To rejoice in the gift while it's given, but to let go to make room for the new gifts. And also never to forget that even the seemingly less beautiful things are gifts too!

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19

This song pretty much sums it up....

If I give it all to you

will you make it all new?

If I open up my hands 

will you fill them again?

His Words

I journal. A lot. It's a way for me to communicate with God. It's my way to process all my thoughts. It's also a way for God to communicate with me. Some people may not understand this, but there are times when the Holy Spirit takes over. It's as if when writing He just takes the pen. The result is usually beautiful.

Today I was looking through my journal from this past semester. What I found in the pages written on March 11, 2013 are worth sharing. That day was specifically one of intense battle and one of my darkest days of the semester. Here is a small bit of the Truth God spoke to me copied straight out of my journal:

"Beloved, I died for all your weaknesses. Where you are weak I will be gloried. If you weren't weak why would you need me? If you weren't broken why would you need a Healer? If you weren't a sinner why would you need a Savior? For I am the One you need. No one but I could do the things you need."

Not even silver and gold (1 Peter 1:18), the most treasured things on earth could pay the debt I owed for my sins. I was a mess, Jesus. Lost and confused. 

But, Beloved, I saw your debt and knew paying it would not only bring you closer to Me, but also be the greatest expression of love you will ever know. I knew that dying on the cross would bring Me the most glory. Therefore, I humbled Myself and died. For you. For all the world.

Now, Beloved, because of the cross, you are redeemed. Admit your weaknesses, but I beg that you would not dwell on them. Do not let shame lie to you. For you are forgiven. Set free from all the shame and guilt sin causes/d in your life.

Beloved, My grace is sufficient. I am fully aware that you will never be perfect at loving and following me. I know. And I am okay with that because in your mess-ups I can reveal My crazy extravagant love. In your brokenness and weakness is where you find your need for Me. In this I take delight. When you are fully dependent on Me.

That's what I found in my journal from three months ago. That's what I wanted to share today. My life is lived for the display of His glory. Therefore, even if it's uncomfortable I will confess my weaknesses for the display of His crazy extravagant love.

He Withholds No Good Thing

For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; 

no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. 

Psalm 84:11

I have tried to be as honest and as transparent on my blog as possible and I have exposed parts of my heart I'm not entirely sure I want to expose. However, God graciously gifts me with powerful bits of wisdom and I know I am blessed to be a blessing. So, at the urging of a new and pretty wonderful friend I am writing this post about a specific bit of wisdom God continuously uses to bring peace to my heart. I hope and pray that God uses this truth to bring peace to any restless hearts out there.

The Lie: Because I do not have what my heart desires God is punishing me. I am not holy enough. I do not love Him enough. My sin has tainted me and broken me in such a way that I might never be able to receive the desires of my heart.

The Truth: God withholds no good thing. If it was best for you to have whatever it is your heart desires right now, then you would have it. If God has decided not to gift you with whatever your heart desires right now, then it would not be good for you to have it. It is not His best for you. Period.

Satan has told me and I have believed every one of those lies. God has graciously spoken that powerful truth into the depths of my heart, setting me free from the despair that came when I believed those lies. Truth does bring inexpressible joy.

My heart desires many things I do not have. Recognize that my following desires are not bad and I honestly think God placed them in my heart for a reason. I desire to adopt. I desire to love and be a part of the healing process for the orphaned and women who have been trafficked. I desire to travel and live in other countries. I desire to use all the wisdom I am gaining in my classes to help the oppressed and marginalized.  I desire to be married.

Also, I fully recognize that not everyone has these same desires, but I've discovered that there are more kindred spirits out there than I once thought who do have similar desires ;)

I first began to understand the power of the above bolded truth about two years ago (read here). I have been wrestling for numerous years with a desire to do missions in foreign countries and God has continuously closed the door. However, most recently this truth has been brought to mind when wrestling with the desire to be married. Last summer I was blessed to be a part of numerous weddings. Almost every weekend for two months was filled with a dress fitting, a bridal shower, a fun bachlorette party or a beautiful wedding. Being a part of each wedding was truly a gift and God showed me something unique through each couple. 

However, if I'm being honest there were some difficult moments when I would get a little (or a lot depending on the day) frustrated that God still hadn't given me the gift of marriage. Through my joyfully engaged and eventually married friends I could easily see the beauty in each wedding day and the amazingness of marriage. Side note: A bride's joy on her wedding day has got to be one of these most beautiful things on the face of the earth. Right up there with the joy of new mom.

In the moments of my frustration God whispered this beautiful truth. 

Beloved, I know you. I made you. I know what is good for you. If marriage is good and truly best for you right now, I would abundantly give you such a gift. 

I could choose to respond two different ways to this beautifully hard truth spoken to my heart by the Lover of my soul. I could respond in rebellion, choosing to ignore Him and decide to take matters into my own hands. OR. I could choose to trust Him, seek Him more intensely, asking Him to open my eyes to the ways He is lavishing His extravagant love on me now and asking Him lavish that love on me even more. I'm a little needy sometimes ;)

I chose the latter. I started memorizing 1 Corinthians 13. I spent more time with Him on walks, in prayer, journaling, diving into His Word. I told Him the desires of my heart and surrendered them to Him to satisfy Himself. Was it easy? No, discipline was required. Did it allow me to fully embrace the beauty of each of my friends' weddings and allow me to feel God's heart rejoicing as they each exchanged their marriage vows? Yes

God is good. Period. He gives different gifts at different times. Right now I have been gifted with singleness. After much wrestling I can say that I am truly grateful for this gift. God knows me best. He knows what I need. If it was best for me to be married and/or living in a different country then I would be. Since neither is true of my life right now then it is because it is better for me not to be. God withholds no good thing from me. 

For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; 

no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. 

Psalm 84:11

Take Me Deeper...

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

I am extremely intimidated by this song. If I sing these lyrics and mean it I am asking God to take me---where feet may fail and fear surrounds me. And take me where my trust is without borders. And take me deeper than my feet could ever wander.

Basically, I am asking God to take me into the darkest places. Bring me to the end of myself entirely. I am asking Him to take me to places my flesh would not naturally desire to go. Not only would I naturally not desire to go there, but could not physically go there without the power of God enabling me to do so.  Essentially, I am specifically asking God to bring me up against the impossible so that -- My faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.

And yet, as I listen to the words, my spirit yearns and agrees with every word. My heart longs for these truths to be made evident in my life. I desire to live a life like that. Let me make one thing clear. This is ONLY the evidence of Jesus in my life. He has truly taken my desires and transformed them to aline with His. He has revealed Himself to be faithful and loving in ALL THINGS--seen and unseen. And I just cannot stop wanting to know more of that love. 

So, this is my heart. Completely abandoned. Knowing that what He asked me to do will absolutely be impossible to accomplish if attempted by the strength of my flesh alone. I will be completely reliant on Him alone. I will have to completely trust without borders in the sovereignty of God alone. Absolutely nothing else will sustain me. The world will probably call me crazy. 

But I serve a sovereign loving God. So, in every hardship I face, when I come to a place where feet fail and fear surrounds me, I will declare--You've never failed and You won't start now. My soul will rest in Your embrace. For I am Yours and You are mine.

The Author and co-author...

I've been contemplating choices and obedience to God's sovereign will. How is God sovereign, yet allowing us to make choices? Here is my thought process as I fumble through this. 

I picture God as the Author of my story. He is writing this insane love story that ends with a beautiful wedding when all of His church is ushered into Heaven. Inside of the bigger story of His pursuit of the Church as His bride, He is writing a love story as He pursues my heart. He wants my heart. He wants your heart. All of it. Every last guilty broken piece.

He is the Author. Hebrews 12:2 says so--"the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

Recap: Jesus being the Author of faith was joyfully tortured for me. After He was tortured He took His place next to His Father, the King. Clearly, God is the Sovereign King ruling, reigning and writing this whole crazy love story. I think I get it...I think.

 However, as I have lived out this love story/my life, I feel I have been able to make choices along the way. Some of my previous posts have been written amidst seasons of making these choices. I feel as though sometimes God says "Here's the pen. I am sovereign and mighty enough to make good out of either choice you make." Because He promises to "cause all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

And as I write/choose, He lovingly places His hand over mine in protection to make sure I don't do anything too crazy ;) 

So, I think this is a joint project. He is the Ruler and Author over all, but He allows us to be co-heirs to reign (and write) with Him. 

Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heir of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in His suffering in order that we may also share in His glory. Romans 8:17 

1 Corinthians 13 + Johnny and June

Hi friends! It's been awhile! Life has happened and God continues to take me deeper into the understanding of just how high, wide, long, and deep this love of His really is. And let me tell you, it is quite the bumpy roller coaster! But rest assured, God's hand always protects.

Recently, I was working out and memorizing 1 Corinthians 13. You know...

Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

So, I'm concentrating very hard on recalling these verses (because scripture memory is quite difficult for me) and the song country Johnny and June comes on over the speakers. I really enjoy this song and instantly began singing along (in my head). The chorus is "I want a love like Johnny and June." Then I realize, the world has painted this picture of what love is. However, the world describes love has oneself being happy and satisfied and is largely instant pleasure focused (emotionally and physically). Mostly, love as the world sees it is largely self-centered and completely about self-gratification.

Instantly, my heart became angry at the world. Because, as a female, I have seen countless chick-flicks and have had the world's picture of love shoved in my face from a very early age and oh, how I have bought into it! However, what God says love is is ENTIRELY different! The love God describes is way more difficult for humans to understand and imitate. This kind of love will challenge the heck out of us humans--"not proud", "not easily angered", "no record of wrongs". God even goes so far as to say that love is "not self-seeking". Yup folks, He went there...

This love is also much harder to find than what my beloved Hallmark movies portray.

In an effort to keep inline with the theme of the blog, it seems God is teaching me about the part of James 1:27 I honestly kind of ignore...Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

So, what do I do with this new truth handed to me?? (in the gym of all places--evidence of God's sense of humor). First, I'm writing it on my heart so that God can bring it to mind at any time. I am also taking a step away from the chick-flicks (at least for awhile). I also decided to really intentionally dig into the love stories God writes in the Bible. I want to know what love, as the Creator made it to be, really looks like. All the while, hoping and praying that God would continue to cleanse me from the lies of the world to make my heart look more like His. For my greatest desire is to know His love and to make it known to the world.

(Side note: I still like Johnny and June and have listened to it while writing this)

Friends: Proof of God's Gracious Love

You know those people that come into your life at perfect opportune times in your life and you know that God had to have sent them to you because there is just no other way to explain the incredible impact they have made on your life?

I have had MANY of these encounters. It seems that every person I meet has a certain lesson(s) that God has specifically ordained for me to learn from them. When reflecting on this and those encounters  there are 4 specific women who have a distinctly LARGE impact on my life.

These four women were brought into my life four years ago. I met them my freshman year at Iowa State. The great thing about college is that you get to meet lots of new people. In this season of my life God brought each of these four women into my life through a Bible study I attended. This is picture from our first outing to Jenny's house. We watched Anne of Green Gables. I knew I had definitely encountered some "kindred spirits"in these ladies. 

2008

The following four years would be a time of incredible growth in my relationship with God. These four women knew Jesus and He has given them each different perspectives in which to see Him. I have learned so much from each of their lives and their walks with Jesus. 

As we studied His word together, prayed together, and just lived life together (some of us in Apt. 4), something extraordinary happened-a bond formed that goes deeper then the natural. These women have seen me at my worst. They know every secret. They know my fears. They know my many weaknesses. They have listened to my whining (thanks ladies). One of them even sat with me for hours in a Bible Camp cabin bathroom while the stomach flu hit me hard (thanks Jenny!). 

Through all of that, they have been a beautiful display of God's love in my life. They have spoken Truth into painful moments. They have called me out on sin issues. They have prayed, oh, have they prayed. We have worshipped together. We have served together. We have wrestled through some of the hard questions life brings. Together we have seen Jesus do incredible things-things that seemed impossible (at least to me) were possible right before our eyes.

2010-A Vacation to Duluth

2011-One of our more ridiculous moments.
We took "Tabitha" for a 22 mile bike ride.

We went camping for vacation. Thanks to these women I now sorta enjoy tent camping...
an example of the impossible made possible ;)

2012-In Kansas City this fall visiting Anna. Nicole would be the little thing Anna's holding. 

Together we have grown and matured. They had the distinct pleasure (or misfortune...depends on how you look at it ;)) of seeing me at the very beginning of my walk with God and being a part of God teaching and growing me. These women are incredible and words will never be able to express how grateful I am for each of them. Life on this earth is so short, but I am forever grateful I get to live it with these women and see the way Jesus works through them. Even if we don't live in the same country (which seems highly likely and has already happened in short increments) God will continue to show His mercy to us and glorify Himself in our lives.

This weekend-Getting together before Jenny leaves the country for 6 months

I know Jesus better because of them and for that I give God all the glory. 

I love you Anna, Natalie, Jenny, and Nicole! :)