Grad School?….check!

Do you ever have those moments when you look back and think "Wow. I can't believe I just did that!"?  

Maybe it was after you passed a test, finished your first marathon (or just ran 2 miles) or had a baby or survived your first year parenting or just simply a day at work, or a day in the life of you. I just so happen to be having one of those moments currently, so I thought I'd process it with you.

Two weeks from today I will have just received my Master of Social Work degree. That's right, I will have completed graduate school. Folks, this is not something I ever thought or dreamed I would accomplish. Ever. I went into this whole graduate school thing sort of dragging my feet. Remember that? That was a pleasant learning experience.

What God had in-store for me in the next two years would be insane. Not only would I receive my graduate degree after two years, but I would participate in starting a campus ministry and planting a church, witness broken hearts being healed (both my own and others), learn the exquisite beauty of authenticity, and participate as an intern and eventually a board member at a pregnancy center (click here to see my commercial debut). God would do so much more than I could have imagined in two years.

Where I took nearly all my classes

Sunset on the last night of the VBS

Within all of things God had in store for me, there would be pain. In the last two years there have been some really low points. There were times I felt like I was drowning and no one but Jesus was paying attention. Turns out He is an excellent "lifeguard" to have watching over you when you think no one sees or understands the darkness you are wrestling with. He is always there. No matter what. And what's more, is that I know Him better because He and I walked through these valleys together.

There have been some really great points too! Watching a church family being formed probably tops the list. However, watching sunrises and sunsets, meeting amazing friends, experiencing my first professional bull riding event, herding cattle, and organizing a vacation Bible school for kids in a mobile home community were pretty amazing as well. 

Some crazy friends I met.

God's glory from my run tonight.

I would say that I have witnessed God's glory in ways I never thought possible. I felt Him more deeply than ever before. I know Him more intimately than I did two years ago. He has lead me into grad school, been through each day, and is leading me onto the next adventure. And, I could not be more grateful the adventure of graduate school.  

What's next you might ask? IDK. For now, I wait. I wait to take and hopefully pass my licensing exam. I wait for God to provide a job, somewhere in central Iowa. I wait for Him to provide a place to live other than my parent's  basement (however nice that basement might be). But, I feel that I am doing what the Bible calls me to do. So, I will wait for the revealing of whatever God might have next and rest in remembering His faithfulness in the past. 

Wait for the LORD;

be strong and courageous.

Wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27:14

He only knows where this path leads next.

Beauty in the Imperfect

It seems that technology and social media have made creating the perfect image simple. Everyone seems to post only the most flattering pictures for the world to see. And, in their/my defense who really wants to look at pictures of someone else looking bad? But what is real? When the phone or camera isn't positioned just right or when the coloring hasn't been adjusted? Ladies, what about when the make-up comes off? When you're clothes don't fit you just right?

Life is messy, littered with imperfections. Sin is pervasive and penetrating into the depths of every person's soul. Sin is like a single drop of red food coloring on pure white almond frosting, making it a horrible pink color. One drop ruins an entirely beautiful and tasty patch of frosting.

Sin = Messy Imperfection

However, what I have learned is that there is incredible beauty in imperfection. 

God designed parents and family to be the first display of an incredible love that overlooks faults. I think friends are also supposed to show that same forgiveness regardless of one's shortcomings. When you get older a spouse demonstrates this same unbelievable love. A spouse agrees to enter into a lifetime covenant where there is nothing the other can do, no sin the other could commit, that they will not have to forgive. All of these examples of unconditional love are meant to point us to the ultimate display of perfect love. The Cross. 

God is perfect. We are not. God steps down into our imperfect world through a man named Jesus. He, alone, lived the perfect life that you and I could never live. God saw the beauty in human imperfection. Jesus died on a cross for that imperfection to be transformed.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus who did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking on the very nature of servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the death--even death on a cross. Philippians 2:5-6

So, I live a life full of imperfections. I make idols out of my dreams, other peoples opinions, and relationships. I have blemishes on my super pale skin. I eat too much when I'm stressed. I'm clumsy, messy, disorganized, undisciplined, forgetful, and scared. And do you know what? God still loves me. He knows my heart completely, much better than anyone on this earth ever will. And He would still rather die then allow me to experience death and eternal life in hell, which is the payment for all my imperfections/sin. Because Jesus died on a cross and I have excepted Him as my Savior, Heaven will now be my home. Where all things are PERFECT!

However, I am not there yet. Today, I struggle through this beautifully imperfect life on earth. I get to witness God's beauty amongst the messiness. Daily witnessing His perfectly perfecting love. I, a flawed human-being, walking through life on earth basking in the glory of perfect love. Embracing the freedom I have to acknowledge my imperfections and surrender them at the Cross, begging that Jesus transform them. Sometimes is takes awhile, like a lifetime, but He is faithful.

And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. 

2 Corinthians 3:18

Join me in a life not afraid to show the imperfections, the real person, because there is a love that embraces and transforms the imperfect into something beautiful.

Into the Darkness as Dawn Approaches

This summer I fell in love with sunrises and sunsets. It all started one Sunday night as I was driving home from work. I could see over the houses and stores that the sun was setting. I decided to chase it. I had no idea where I was going, but I just wanted to see the sunset unobstructed by man made objects. So, I sped past my house and kept driving down the road into the country. Eventually I ended up in the field driveway on a random country road. 

See why I chased it?

It was this night that I felt God whisper that it was the beginning of a new season for Him and I. He set in my heart a desire to seek His face with higher level of intensity then ever before. 

My heart says of you, "Seek His face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek. Psalm 27:8

When thinking about what this new intensity would like, I thought it would be fun to see the sunrise and the sunset every day. My hearts desire was to seek God fully and not waste the day. So, I decided that I would get up when the sun did. You can imagine my surprise and slight shock as I came home that night to discover that in June the sunrises around 5:15-5:30am, but I decided to try it anyway. The first few mornings/weeks were rough, but as the summer progressed I got used to waking up early and to my delight the sun also started rising later ;) I want to share with you just one of the beautiful lessons I learned and am continuing to learn as I meet the sun in the morning.

The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of the day. 

Proverbs 4:18

Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him and He will do this; He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. 

Psalm 37:5-6

And if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday sun. Isaiah 58:10 

Waking up when it was still early and dark was sometimes usually rough. Honestly, there were some mornings I just feel back asleep. But, when I did drag my butt out of bed I NEVER once regretted. The beauty I got to see and the ways Jesus met me were ALWAYS worth it.

There is something profoundly beautiful about rising up in darkness, when few other people are awake. Most people don't seem to want to actually be awake at this time in the morning. However, as I drive out to my favorite place my heart just fills with anticipation at what I might see. Every morning is different. 

 At the beginning of the sunrise I can't see the sun, all I can see it the light it is giving off.  I usually sit safely in my car, as to not put myself in danger. (Running on the trails by myself in darkness is unwise...yes, mom and dad I do sometimes you listen to you guys) But, as I wait patiently the sun slowly begins to reveal itself. Then I get out of my car and begin running. As I run the sun begins to touch creation, shining it's warm light on all things created. It first touches the tips of trees and then trickles down the leaves and spills onto the flowers and prairie grass. Until the light has touched all things.

And I can't not help but see the beautiful picture this paints of the way I desire to live my life. To rise up and run with joyful anticipation into darkness. Having full confidence in the faithfulness of the God I serve to show up. That He will shine His light into the darkness, just like He has for millions of years before. Only at this time, for this day, I get to witness it. Oh, how I long to be a part of it- a part of such extraordinary beauty of bringing light into darkness. That is one of the deepest desires of my heart.

     

What I know of true love...

TRUE LOVE~

*gives me His identity-His name...Christian

*knows my heart and loves me anyway

*heals my brokenness

*satisfies the deepest longings of my soul

*Calls me His Beloved Daughter 

*protects me as I face evil

*is my strength

*Is my rear guard and the one standing beside me holding my hand

*teaches me and instructs me in the way I should go

*plans each day out for me and even lets me pick what we do some days 

*gives me all things I could ever need...clothes, shelter, every meal

*takes me on beautiful adventures both big and small

*trusts me enough to let me help Him accomplish His purposes on this earth

*wraps me up in His exquisite beauty AND calls me beautiful

*Died on a Cross and defeated death so I could be set free from death and condemnation

*Died on a Cross so I could live a life discovering just how high and deep and long and wide TRUE LOVE really is.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophesy, and can fathom all mystery and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophesies they will will cease; where there are tongues they will stilled; where there is knowledge it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child I talked like a child, thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."

1 Corinthians 13

This is what I, a single 23 year old, knows of true love and I'm okay with that ;)

Trusting in His Pursuit

Surely your goodness and love will follow me 

all the days of my life...Psalm 23:6 NIV

Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me 

all the days of my life...Psalm 23:6 NLT

Only goodness and faithful love will pursue me

all the days of my life...Psalm 23:6 HCSB

I used to think this specific passage was God's promise to me. That His faithful goodness and love will pursue me. But if you look at the context, this verse is David's expression of faith. David is saying this to God as something he believes in faith. He has seen God's incredible provision. There were also MANY circumstances in David's life that were far from what we would perceive as an expression of  God's goodness and faithfulness. However, David was still able to proclaim this statement whether or not his life circumstances were displaying God's goodness in a way that he and/or the world understood.

Faith. That is what this man had. And that is what I want more of. I would like to live life in such a way that displays this kind of faith and trust. What does that look like?

I can tell you what it doesn't look like. Sometimes I find myself like a child who's arms are loaded down with carrying all her beautiful toys she's been given. Goodness and love keeps piling it on and she just doesn't want to let any of it go because it's all just so good. So her arms if full and sore from carry it all and she can't see where she's going. 

Ya, I think that it is time to let some of it go. To rejoice in the gift while it's given, but to let go to make room for the new gifts. And also never to forget that even the seemingly less beautiful things are gifts too!

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19

This song pretty much sums it up....

If I give it all to you

will you make it all new?

If I open up my hands 

will you fill them again?

His Words

I journal. A lot. It's a way for me to communicate with God. It's my way to process all my thoughts. It's also a way for God to communicate with me. Some people may not understand this, but there are times when the Holy Spirit takes over. It's as if when writing He just takes the pen. The result is usually beautiful.

Today I was looking through my journal from this past semester. What I found in the pages written on March 11, 2013 are worth sharing. That day was specifically one of intense battle and one of my darkest days of the semester. Here is a small bit of the Truth God spoke to me copied straight out of my journal:

"Beloved, I died for all your weaknesses. Where you are weak I will be gloried. If you weren't weak why would you need me? If you weren't broken why would you need a Healer? If you weren't a sinner why would you need a Savior? For I am the One you need. No one but I could do the things you need."

Not even silver and gold (1 Peter 1:18), the most treasured things on earth could pay the debt I owed for my sins. I was a mess, Jesus. Lost and confused. 

But, Beloved, I saw your debt and knew paying it would not only bring you closer to Me, but also be the greatest expression of love you will ever know. I knew that dying on the cross would bring Me the most glory. Therefore, I humbled Myself and died. For you. For all the world.

Now, Beloved, because of the cross, you are redeemed. Admit your weaknesses, but I beg that you would not dwell on them. Do not let shame lie to you. For you are forgiven. Set free from all the shame and guilt sin causes/d in your life.

Beloved, My grace is sufficient. I am fully aware that you will never be perfect at loving and following me. I know. And I am okay with that because in your mess-ups I can reveal My crazy extravagant love. In your brokenness and weakness is where you find your need for Me. In this I take delight. When you are fully dependent on Me.

That's what I found in my journal from three months ago. That's what I wanted to share today. My life is lived for the display of His glory. Therefore, even if it's uncomfortable I will confess my weaknesses for the display of His crazy extravagant love.

He Withholds No Good Thing

For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; 

no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. 

Psalm 84:11

I have tried to be as honest and as transparent on my blog as possible and I have exposed parts of my heart I'm not entirely sure I want to expose. However, God graciously gifts me with powerful bits of wisdom and I know I am blessed to be a blessing. So, at the urging of a new and pretty wonderful friend I am writing this post about a specific bit of wisdom God continuously uses to bring peace to my heart. I hope and pray that God uses this truth to bring peace to any restless hearts out there.

The Lie: Because I do not have what my heart desires God is punishing me. I am not holy enough. I do not love Him enough. My sin has tainted me and broken me in such a way that I might never be able to receive the desires of my heart.

The Truth: God withholds no good thing. If it was best for you to have whatever it is your heart desires right now, then you would have it. If God has decided not to gift you with whatever your heart desires right now, then it would not be good for you to have it. It is not His best for you. Period.

Satan has told me and I have believed every one of those lies. God has graciously spoken that powerful truth into the depths of my heart, setting me free from the despair that came when I believed those lies. Truth does bring inexpressible joy.

My heart desires many things I do not have. Recognize that my following desires are not bad and I honestly think God placed them in my heart for a reason. I desire to adopt. I desire to love and be a part of the healing process for the orphaned and women who have been trafficked. I desire to travel and live in other countries. I desire to use all the wisdom I am gaining in my classes to help the oppressed and marginalized.  I desire to be married.

Also, I fully recognize that not everyone has these same desires, but I've discovered that there are more kindred spirits out there than I once thought who do have similar desires ;)

I first began to understand the power of the above bolded truth about two years ago (read here). I have been wrestling for numerous years with a desire to do missions in foreign countries and God has continuously closed the door. However, most recently this truth has been brought to mind when wrestling with the desire to be married. Last summer I was blessed to be a part of numerous weddings. Almost every weekend for two months was filled with a dress fitting, a bridal shower, a fun bachlorette party or a beautiful wedding. Being a part of each wedding was truly a gift and God showed me something unique through each couple. 

However, if I'm being honest there were some difficult moments when I would get a little (or a lot depending on the day) frustrated that God still hadn't given me the gift of marriage. Through my joyfully engaged and eventually married friends I could easily see the beauty in each wedding day and the amazingness of marriage. Side note: A bride's joy on her wedding day has got to be one of these most beautiful things on the face of the earth. Right up there with the joy of new mom.

In the moments of my frustration God whispered this beautiful truth. 

Beloved, I know you. I made you. I know what is good for you. If marriage is good and truly best for you right now, I would abundantly give you such a gift. 

I could choose to respond two different ways to this beautifully hard truth spoken to my heart by the Lover of my soul. I could respond in rebellion, choosing to ignore Him and decide to take matters into my own hands. OR. I could choose to trust Him, seek Him more intensely, asking Him to open my eyes to the ways He is lavishing His extravagant love on me now and asking Him lavish that love on me even more. I'm a little needy sometimes ;)

I chose the latter. I started memorizing 1 Corinthians 13. I spent more time with Him on walks, in prayer, journaling, diving into His Word. I told Him the desires of my heart and surrendered them to Him to satisfy Himself. Was it easy? No, discipline was required. Did it allow me to fully embrace the beauty of each of my friends' weddings and allow me to feel God's heart rejoicing as they each exchanged their marriage vows? Yes

God is good. Period. He gives different gifts at different times. Right now I have been gifted with singleness. After much wrestling I can say that I am truly grateful for this gift. God knows me best. He knows what I need. If it was best for me to be married and/or living in a different country then I would be. Since neither is true of my life right now then it is because it is better for me not to be. God withholds no good thing from me. 

For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; 

no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. 

Psalm 84:11