Trusting in His Pursuit

Surely your goodness and love will follow me 

all the days of my life...Psalm 23:6 NIV

Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me 

all the days of my life...Psalm 23:6 NLT

Only goodness and faithful love will pursue me

all the days of my life...Psalm 23:6 HCSB

I used to think this specific passage was God's promise to me. That His faithful goodness and love will pursue me. But if you look at the context, this verse is David's expression of faith. David is saying this to God as something he believes in faith. He has seen God's incredible provision. There were also MANY circumstances in David's life that were far from what we would perceive as an expression of  God's goodness and faithfulness. However, David was still able to proclaim this statement whether or not his life circumstances were displaying God's goodness in a way that he and/or the world understood.

Faith. That is what this man had. And that is what I want more of. I would like to live life in such a way that displays this kind of faith and trust. What does that look like?

I can tell you what it doesn't look like. Sometimes I find myself like a child who's arms are loaded down with carrying all her beautiful toys she's been given. Goodness and love keeps piling it on and she just doesn't want to let any of it go because it's all just so good. So her arms if full and sore from carry it all and she can't see where she's going. 

Ya, I think that it is time to let some of it go. To rejoice in the gift while it's given, but to let go to make room for the new gifts. And also never to forget that even the seemingly less beautiful things are gifts too!

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19

This song pretty much sums it up....

If I give it all to you

will you make it all new?

If I open up my hands 

will you fill them again?

His Words

I journal. A lot. It's a way for me to communicate with God. It's my way to process all my thoughts. It's also a way for God to communicate with me. Some people may not understand this, but there are times when the Holy Spirit takes over. It's as if when writing He just takes the pen. The result is usually beautiful.

Today I was looking through my journal from this past semester. What I found in the pages written on March 11, 2013 are worth sharing. That day was specifically one of intense battle and one of my darkest days of the semester. Here is a small bit of the Truth God spoke to me copied straight out of my journal:

"Beloved, I died for all your weaknesses. Where you are weak I will be gloried. If you weren't weak why would you need me? If you weren't broken why would you need a Healer? If you weren't a sinner why would you need a Savior? For I am the One you need. No one but I could do the things you need."

Not even silver and gold (1 Peter 1:18), the most treasured things on earth could pay the debt I owed for my sins. I was a mess, Jesus. Lost and confused. 

But, Beloved, I saw your debt and knew paying it would not only bring you closer to Me, but also be the greatest expression of love you will ever know. I knew that dying on the cross would bring Me the most glory. Therefore, I humbled Myself and died. For you. For all the world.

Now, Beloved, because of the cross, you are redeemed. Admit your weaknesses, but I beg that you would not dwell on them. Do not let shame lie to you. For you are forgiven. Set free from all the shame and guilt sin causes/d in your life.

Beloved, My grace is sufficient. I am fully aware that you will never be perfect at loving and following me. I know. And I am okay with that because in your mess-ups I can reveal My crazy extravagant love. In your brokenness and weakness is where you find your need for Me. In this I take delight. When you are fully dependent on Me.

That's what I found in my journal from three months ago. That's what I wanted to share today. My life is lived for the display of His glory. Therefore, even if it's uncomfortable I will confess my weaknesses for the display of His crazy extravagant love.

He Withholds No Good Thing

For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; 

no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. 

Psalm 84:11

I have tried to be as honest and as transparent on my blog as possible and I have exposed parts of my heart I'm not entirely sure I want to expose. However, God graciously gifts me with powerful bits of wisdom and I know I am blessed to be a blessing. So, at the urging of a new and pretty wonderful friend I am writing this post about a specific bit of wisdom God continuously uses to bring peace to my heart. I hope and pray that God uses this truth to bring peace to any restless hearts out there.

The Lie: Because I do not have what my heart desires God is punishing me. I am not holy enough. I do not love Him enough. My sin has tainted me and broken me in such a way that I might never be able to receive the desires of my heart.

The Truth: God withholds no good thing. If it was best for you to have whatever it is your heart desires right now, then you would have it. If God has decided not to gift you with whatever your heart desires right now, then it would not be good for you to have it. It is not His best for you. Period.

Satan has told me and I have believed every one of those lies. God has graciously spoken that powerful truth into the depths of my heart, setting me free from the despair that came when I believed those lies. Truth does bring inexpressible joy.

My heart desires many things I do not have. Recognize that my following desires are not bad and I honestly think God placed them in my heart for a reason. I desire to adopt. I desire to love and be a part of the healing process for the orphaned and women who have been trafficked. I desire to travel and live in other countries. I desire to use all the wisdom I am gaining in my classes to help the oppressed and marginalized.  I desire to be married.

Also, I fully recognize that not everyone has these same desires, but I've discovered that there are more kindred spirits out there than I once thought who do have similar desires ;)

I first began to understand the power of the above bolded truth about two years ago (read here). I have been wrestling for numerous years with a desire to do missions in foreign countries and God has continuously closed the door. However, most recently this truth has been brought to mind when wrestling with the desire to be married. Last summer I was blessed to be a part of numerous weddings. Almost every weekend for two months was filled with a dress fitting, a bridal shower, a fun bachlorette party or a beautiful wedding. Being a part of each wedding was truly a gift and God showed me something unique through each couple. 

However, if I'm being honest there were some difficult moments when I would get a little (or a lot depending on the day) frustrated that God still hadn't given me the gift of marriage. Through my joyfully engaged and eventually married friends I could easily see the beauty in each wedding day and the amazingness of marriage. Side note: A bride's joy on her wedding day has got to be one of these most beautiful things on the face of the earth. Right up there with the joy of new mom.

In the moments of my frustration God whispered this beautiful truth. 

Beloved, I know you. I made you. I know what is good for you. If marriage is good and truly best for you right now, I would abundantly give you such a gift. 

I could choose to respond two different ways to this beautifully hard truth spoken to my heart by the Lover of my soul. I could respond in rebellion, choosing to ignore Him and decide to take matters into my own hands. OR. I could choose to trust Him, seek Him more intensely, asking Him to open my eyes to the ways He is lavishing His extravagant love on me now and asking Him lavish that love on me even more. I'm a little needy sometimes ;)

I chose the latter. I started memorizing 1 Corinthians 13. I spent more time with Him on walks, in prayer, journaling, diving into His Word. I told Him the desires of my heart and surrendered them to Him to satisfy Himself. Was it easy? No, discipline was required. Did it allow me to fully embrace the beauty of each of my friends' weddings and allow me to feel God's heart rejoicing as they each exchanged their marriage vows? Yes

God is good. Period. He gives different gifts at different times. Right now I have been gifted with singleness. After much wrestling I can say that I am truly grateful for this gift. God knows me best. He knows what I need. If it was best for me to be married and/or living in a different country then I would be. Since neither is true of my life right now then it is because it is better for me not to be. God withholds no good thing from me. 

For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; 

no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. 

Psalm 84:11

Take Me Deeper...

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

I am extremely intimidated by this song. If I sing these lyrics and mean it I am asking God to take me---where feet may fail and fear surrounds me. And take me where my trust is without borders. And take me deeper than my feet could ever wander.

Basically, I am asking God to take me into the darkest places. Bring me to the end of myself entirely. I am asking Him to take me to places my flesh would not naturally desire to go. Not only would I naturally not desire to go there, but could not physically go there without the power of God enabling me to do so.  Essentially, I am specifically asking God to bring me up against the impossible so that -- My faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.

And yet, as I listen to the words, my spirit yearns and agrees with every word. My heart longs for these truths to be made evident in my life. I desire to live a life like that. Let me make one thing clear. This is ONLY the evidence of Jesus in my life. He has truly taken my desires and transformed them to aline with His. He has revealed Himself to be faithful and loving in ALL THINGS--seen and unseen. And I just cannot stop wanting to know more of that love. 

So, this is my heart. Completely abandoned. Knowing that what He asked me to do will absolutely be impossible to accomplish if attempted by the strength of my flesh alone. I will be completely reliant on Him alone. I will have to completely trust without borders in the sovereignty of God alone. Absolutely nothing else will sustain me. The world will probably call me crazy. 

But I serve a sovereign loving God. So, in every hardship I face, when I come to a place where feet fail and fear surrounds me, I will declare--You've never failed and You won't start now. My soul will rest in Your embrace. For I am Yours and You are mine.

The Author and co-author...

I've been contemplating choices and obedience to God's sovereign will. How is God sovereign, yet allowing us to make choices? Here is my thought process as I fumble through this. 

I picture God as the Author of my story. He is writing this insane love story that ends with a beautiful wedding when all of His church is ushered into Heaven. Inside of the bigger story of His pursuit of the Church as His bride, He is writing a love story as He pursues my heart. He wants my heart. He wants your heart. All of it. Every last guilty broken piece.

He is the Author. Hebrews 12:2 says so--"the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

Recap: Jesus being the Author of faith was joyfully tortured for me. After He was tortured He took His place next to His Father, the King. Clearly, God is the Sovereign King ruling, reigning and writing this whole crazy love story. I think I get it...I think.

 However, as I have lived out this love story/my life, I feel I have been able to make choices along the way. Some of my previous posts have been written amidst seasons of making these choices. I feel as though sometimes God says "Here's the pen. I am sovereign and mighty enough to make good out of either choice you make." Because He promises to "cause all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

And as I write/choose, He lovingly places His hand over mine in protection to make sure I don't do anything too crazy ;) 

So, I think this is a joint project. He is the Ruler and Author over all, but He allows us to be co-heirs to reign (and write) with Him. 

Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heir of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in His suffering in order that we may also share in His glory. Romans 8:17 

1 Corinthians 13 + Johnny and June

Hi friends! It's been awhile! Life has happened and God continues to take me deeper into the understanding of just how high, wide, long, and deep this love of His really is. And let me tell you, it is quite the bumpy roller coaster! But rest assured, God's hand always protects.

Recently, I was working out and memorizing 1 Corinthians 13. You know...

Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

So, I'm concentrating very hard on recalling these verses (because scripture memory is quite difficult for me) and the song country Johnny and June comes on over the speakers. I really enjoy this song and instantly began singing along (in my head). The chorus is "I want a love like Johnny and June." Then I realize, the world has painted this picture of what love is. However, the world describes love has oneself being happy and satisfied and is largely instant pleasure focused (emotionally and physically). Mostly, love as the world sees it is largely self-centered and completely about self-gratification.

Instantly, my heart became angry at the world. Because, as a female, I have seen countless chick-flicks and have had the world's picture of love shoved in my face from a very early age and oh, how I have bought into it! However, what God says love is is ENTIRELY different! The love God describes is way more difficult for humans to understand and imitate. This kind of love will challenge the heck out of us humans--"not proud", "not easily angered", "no record of wrongs". God even goes so far as to say that love is "not self-seeking". Yup folks, He went there...

This love is also much harder to find than what my beloved Hallmark movies portray.

In an effort to keep inline with the theme of the blog, it seems God is teaching me about the part of James 1:27 I honestly kind of ignore...Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

So, what do I do with this new truth handed to me?? (in the gym of all places--evidence of God's sense of humor). First, I'm writing it on my heart so that God can bring it to mind at any time. I am also taking a step away from the chick-flicks (at least for awhile). I also decided to really intentionally dig into the love stories God writes in the Bible. I want to know what love, as the Creator made it to be, really looks like. All the while, hoping and praying that God would continue to cleanse me from the lies of the world to make my heart look more like His. For my greatest desire is to know His love and to make it known to the world.

(Side note: I still like Johnny and June and have listened to it while writing this)

Friends: Proof of God's Gracious Love

You know those people that come into your life at perfect opportune times in your life and you know that God had to have sent them to you because there is just no other way to explain the incredible impact they have made on your life?

I have had MANY of these encounters. It seems that every person I meet has a certain lesson(s) that God has specifically ordained for me to learn from them. When reflecting on this and those encounters  there are 4 specific women who have a distinctly LARGE impact on my life.

These four women were brought into my life four years ago. I met them my freshman year at Iowa State. The great thing about college is that you get to meet lots of new people. In this season of my life God brought each of these four women into my life through a Bible study I attended. This is picture from our first outing to Jenny's house. We watched Anne of Green Gables. I knew I had definitely encountered some "kindred spirits"in these ladies. 

2008

The following four years would be a time of incredible growth in my relationship with God. These four women knew Jesus and He has given them each different perspectives in which to see Him. I have learned so much from each of their lives and their walks with Jesus. 

As we studied His word together, prayed together, and just lived life together (some of us in Apt. 4), something extraordinary happened-a bond formed that goes deeper then the natural. These women have seen me at my worst. They know every secret. They know my fears. They know my many weaknesses. They have listened to my whining (thanks ladies). One of them even sat with me for hours in a Bible Camp cabin bathroom while the stomach flu hit me hard (thanks Jenny!). 

Through all of that, they have been a beautiful display of God's love in my life. They have spoken Truth into painful moments. They have called me out on sin issues. They have prayed, oh, have they prayed. We have worshipped together. We have served together. We have wrestled through some of the hard questions life brings. Together we have seen Jesus do incredible things-things that seemed impossible (at least to me) were possible right before our eyes.

2010-A Vacation to Duluth

2011-One of our more ridiculous moments.
We took "Tabitha" for a 22 mile bike ride.

We went camping for vacation. Thanks to these women I now sorta enjoy tent camping...
an example of the impossible made possible ;)

2012-In Kansas City this fall visiting Anna. Nicole would be the little thing Anna's holding. 

Together we have grown and matured. They had the distinct pleasure (or misfortune...depends on how you look at it ;)) of seeing me at the very beginning of my walk with God and being a part of God teaching and growing me. These women are incredible and words will never be able to express how grateful I am for each of them. Life on this earth is so short, but I am forever grateful I get to live it with these women and see the way Jesus works through them. Even if we don't live in the same country (which seems highly likely and has already happened in short increments) God will continue to show His mercy to us and glorify Himself in our lives.

This weekend-Getting together before Jenny leaves the country for 6 months

I know Jesus better because of them and for that I give God all the glory. 

I love you Anna, Natalie, Jenny, and Nicole! :)