My weakness and His strength

Do you ever get to the point where you have had enough? Where you truly come to the end of your flesh? You know that point where you honestly come before God and say "I want to do what you are asking me to do, but I can't do it in my flesh. I need Your strength." Or sometimes there's the "I don't want to do what You are asking me and seriously doubt my ability to do that anyway, so You're gonna have to change my heart AND give me the strength the do what You're asking me.." These are truly conversations that happen in my head (well, i might whine a little more in my head but you get the point).  This semester has been filled with more of these conversations than in any previous semester.  

Honestly, these conversations hurt. If you have had these experiences you know what I'm talking about. We as humans really like to rely on our flesh and would rather avoid painful experiences, but Jesus is changing my heart towards wanting to avoid hard things-so much to the point that trials are almost exciting.  Because I know that after the pain and tears I will know God's love in such a deeper way.  That doesn't mean that the process isn't difficult.  This process in my life looks something like this: First, comes the revelation of my sin-followed by tears.  Then I have to humbly confess it and not just to God, but to a trusted friend(s)-more tears. Then this is when Jesus' beauty is a little more evident because my friends can speak correction and encouragement into the sin in my heart-more tears at the revelation of His beauty. Jesus meets me in the mess of my heart and shines a new light.  A transforming light. It hurts, but there is beauty (and joyful tears) to be found there.

This past semester has very much been about God clearly displaying the weakness of my flesh and my inability to do what God is asking, and all about God's strength.  When I cannot walk anymore, He carries me.  This is the relationship we have:  He asks me to do something and I say "No thanks God, I'm clearly too weak for that." BUT, when you tell God you are too weak for something then you better be careful because He is likely to lead you to do that very thing and His strength will be clearly on display the whole time. It's like He is flexing His muscles. After I tell Him no thanks, He proceeds to change my heart AND gives me the strength to do it.

So, what was the biggest lesson I learned this semester?  I am incredibly weak and God is incredibly strong. Paul had some thoughts on this...

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Where is the Beauty?

²⁷ Then the governor’s soldiers took Jesus into the Praetorium and gathered the whole company of soldiers around him. ²⁸ They stripped him and put a scarlet robe on him, ²⁹ and then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on his head. They put a staff in his right hand. Then they knelt in front of him and mocked him. “Hail, king of the Jews!” they said. ³⁰ They spit on him, and took the staff and struck him on the head again and again. ³¹After they had mocked him, they took off the robe and put his own clothes on him. Then they led him away to crucify him. 

Matthew 27:27-31

God has been challenging me to see what His beauty really looks like.  It is easy to see His beauty when things are easy and going "right".  It is easy to see His beauty when the sun is shining, birds are singing, and big puffy white clouds are floating overhead.  It is easy to see His beauty in a child's smile who knows they are safe and dearly loved by their parents. It is easy to see His beauty in the scriptures when it describes Jesus sitting among the people and children, listening intently to Him preach.

But is there beauty when it's rain in coming down so hard that you can't see?  Where is the beauty in the death of a loved one, when someone is sexually assaulted, when suffering comes, when darkness seems to be inescapable?  Where is the beauty when evil seems to be overtaking all good things?  Where is the beauty in the King of the World, the One who loves perfectly, comes in flesh to this world and is stripped naked?  Where is the beauty when the One who holds my heart has blood dripping down His forehead from a crown of thorns? These things don't seem beautiful, but it is there we just have to look closer.

In my Jesus' nakedness and the dripping blood, my God is showing me His love.  He is in the process of writing the greatest love story I will ever know.  That a perfect God would send His perfect Son to earth, knowing that ones He came to save would beat Him close to death and hang Him on a cross to die.  Then three days after dying, the Son would rise.  He would come back to life, conquering death.  Showing that even in pain, suffering, and death, God's love could not be hidden.  His beauty cannot be hidden. 

Even in the ugly of the world, God uses suffering to draw us ever nearer to Him. Where is the beauty in death? Death of loved one means that they finally get to experience Heaven, a place where there is no pain or suffering. And those remaining on earth must rely even more on God. Where is the beauty in sexual assault? It can bring life into the world and that baby can bless a family who couldn't have a baby on their own. Or the process of healing from the assault could lead the survivor to know Jesus for the very first time.  I am not saying that these things are not devastating and cause your entire world to change. They are incredibly difficult things to experience and require a process of grieving, but there is beauty to be found in even the ugliest of situations.

So when things look ugly and terrible on the surface, if the situation looks awful and painful, full of darkness, I am learning to look deeper. I am learning to look with the eyes Jesus died to give me.  That does not mean I don't weep over the pain or that my heart doesn't break when I see these things.  But with these new eyes He has given me, God is unveiling a deeper beauty that causes me to fall ever deeper in love with the One who made ALL THINGS beautiful.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 

Ecclesiastes 3:11

A Story of Healing...

If you know me and/or have been following my blog for any amount of time you know how my heart breaks for children who have been abused, orphaned, trafficked, or anything such as those. The greatest desire of my heart is to be God's hands and feet to help these children find true healing from all the evil that has been done to them.  So when I read this post my heart broke and then was filled with joy and amazement at the stories of redemption that God writes.  His stories hold more beauty then we could possibly image.


"And every day I'm thankful that I've been rescued and that my life has been redeemed by the God who can make beauty from a mess. And I'm thankful for a family who became His hands and feet to reach out with a love that heals—reached out to the likes of me." 

Read the rest here --> http://www.truewoman.com/?id=2048

For HIS Glory

He guides me along the right paths
   for his name’s sake. 

Psalm 23:3

I am SO EXCITED!! to finally know where I will be in the fall.  While plans have changed numerous times I have made a final decision. However, yesterday after I finally decided what to do, God took a firm hold of my heart and mind and reminded me why exactly I am going where I am going. Skip to last paragraph if you don't want to read all this. The main point of the post is summarized there ;)

 Plans fail for lack of counsel,
   but with many advisers they succeed.

Proverbs 15:22

I cannot describe how grateful I am for God placing me in the community of believers He has. I talked with many people in making the decision.  One thing they all made very clear to me was that God will be glorified no matter what decision I choose. He is jealous for His glory and He is absolutely right to be so jealous for His glory. Praise the Lord for many wise advisers because if it hadn't been for numerous people clearly explaining benefits of graduate school, I definitely would not be going.  I had felt like God was pointing me in different direction.  God was definitely opening doors for me to work in a residential treatment facility for children with behavior problems.  And sometimes when I get my eyes really fixed on something I feel God is leading me towards its hard for me to see what else He might be doing.

But the night before I was going to call and except the job offer at the residential place, I got an acceptance letter from UNI for the Master's in Social Work program.  I was honestly very much closed to the idea of grad school and said I was definitely not going!  I wanted to just make a final decision. No more indecision!! But after talking with my brother and his wife, it seemed like grad school was something I actually needed to consider. So, as I am trying to make a very important decision that will affect the next two years of my life, I went to Salt Company (Student ministry). The talk was on making decisions in a way that honors God.  REALLY?? God definitely knows what He is doing! Why do we ever doubt His sovereignty?

It was so great. One of the things Alex said was how sometimes, God is more concerned about the motivation behind the question than the question itself. Or we can ask God the wrong question. And that sometimes God presents two options for us to choose from, neither of which are necessarily wrong.  Instead, He wants us to seek wisdom and for us to choose.  God will make His name great in either decision we make.  Jeepers...this could not more describe my situation!!

So, I closely examined my heart motivation why I would or would not want to attend grad school.  God did some pulling up of weeds in my heart. I had to change the question from "Which choice will better equip me?" to "Which choice will bring the most glory to Your name and serve to best further Your Kingdom?" While the first question isn't all that bad, the second one does not include the words 'me', 'my', or 'I'-lest I forget the focus, which is God and not myself.  After seeking wisdom, praying, and a few tears (though much less than you might expect ;]), I have decided to attend UNI to get my Master's in Social Work!! With which I hope to become a therapist after I gradate, but we'll see if that's still the case in 2 years ;)

But God revealed to me through this whole thing that I am getting my MSW for His glory.  While I will be attaining more knowledge to help people who have experienced trauma (among other things) and will be able to make slightly more money and have more job options, these are NOT my main reason for choosing what I did.  For HIS glory, I will go get my MSW, so that for HIS glory I can help people heal and know Jesus as their Savior and Healer.  True healing only comes through Jesus. And for HIS glory, the people I help might someday be able to tell their story and help others heal and know Jesus as their Savior and Healer .  There is bigger picture He is painting than just mine. It's not about me, but all for HIS glory.

He guides me along the right paths
   for his name’s sake. 

Psalm 23:3

Gifted--Not Entitled

Here is a list that the world tells me (and most everyone else) I/we deserve:

1. A dad and mom who loves me
2. Safety-being able to know I will not be harmed when around my parents, family, or at school
3. Many nice clothes
4. A car that runs
5. A comfortable job
6. A comfortable bed
7. A hot shower
8. Meals 3 days a week/snacks in between (personally something with chocolate ;])
9. Ability to see
10. 2 Arms and 2 Legs
11. Ability to hear
12. A cell phone
13. A computer
14. An education (Kindergarten-->College)
15. My own family someday
16. Biological children

I have every single one of the above listed items (with the exception of 15 and 16..not yet anyway). These things are not bad, when they are not idols.  However, we have become so accustomed to having them that we forget that they are GIFTS!! We ARE NOT ENTITLED to these things. They are given to us by God.

NOT EVERYONE HAS HAD SUCH BLESSINGS.  And when we meet someone who has not had such blessings, we don't know how to act around them.  Which, if we're honest with ourselves results in us ignoring them or pushing them away. Rarely do we give of ourselves for those who have not had such gifts handed to them.  We very rarely give up our gifts to come along side and love those who have not been gifted in the ways our world tells us is "normal".

However, this is EXACTLY what Jesus did.  Jesus gave up His place in Heaven, His place of perfect unity and peace with His Father.  He did not have to ever feel pain, hurt, or suffering.  Jesus gave up His comfort, to come down to earth to die a death He certainly did not deserve. He died the death of a criminal. He knew what would happen on earth and He still came (Luke 18:31-33). The perfect Son of God was stripped naked, beaten, mocked, spit on, hung on a cross and murdered.

Jesus gave up everything that was good, for me and you.  He was stripped naked, beaten, mocked, spit on, hung on a cross and murdered for you.  How dare I think that I deserve any one of the things listed above and how dare I look down on anyone who does not have those things. (Conviction is bringing tears to my eyes) THEY ARE GIFTS! So, I will attempt to follow Jesus' lead and lay down all these gifts at the foot of the cross--the very place He laid down His.

However, before you go feeling guilty about the way you have handled your gifts let me leave you with this.  If God has given you these gifts than PRAISE HIM!! He loves giving good gifts to His children and He loves when we slow down enough thank Him for them.  They are to be used for the glory of His name. So glorify His name with them, instead of hoarding them yourself/myself.

For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer. 1 Timothy 4:4-5

Here I am

Well folks, in a few months I will be a college graduate.  I do not know what I will be doing after May 5th. There is so much scary excitement about that. (I apologize if you got here by facebook and thought you would find out what my future holds...I'll let you know when I know) I could go anywhere and do anything.  I am completely at the mercy of God's hands.  I have no plans (amazing in itself..it took years for God to achieve this in my heart ;]). I feel like there is new large blank canvas that is the rest of my life.  It is truly for God to paint. I will lay everything down in surrender, fully knowing there will be heartache and trials.  And fully knowing I will get to experience God's love in greater depth than I ever thought possible. Honestly, I don't want it any other way.  My future is most secure in His Hands. His understanding is greater than mine, so I want to follow Him, rather than my own ambitions.  I only see such a small portion of what is really happening. He sees it all, so I will give Him everything.

So after many tears, this is the cry of my heart. I mean every word with as much of my little heart as I can muster. Here is my prayer for the rest of my life...

Take my life and let it be
consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days,
let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them move
at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice and let me sing
always, only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be
filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold
not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect and use
every power as You choose.
Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for Thee.

Take my will and make it Thine
it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart it is Thine own
it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord I pour
at Your feet its treasure store
Take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for Thee.
Take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for Thee.

Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for Thee.

 (Take My Life-Chris Tomlin)

⁴ When the LORD saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, “Moses! Moses!”  And Moses said, “Here I am.” -Exodus 3:4

An Anointing...

^{Many years before Jesus ever stepped on the earth God said this to Isaiah. God was talking specifically about Jesus.  Jesus will bring justice to the nations. This is what He was put on earth to do from the very beginning.}

 

¹ “Here is my servant, whom I uphold,
   my chosen one in whom I delight;
I will put my Spirit on him,
   and he will bring justice to the nations.
² He will not shout or cry out,
   or raise his voice in the streets.
³ A bruised reed he will not break,
   and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.
In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;
 ⁴ he will not falter or be discouraged
till he establishes justice on earth.
   In his teaching the islands will put their hope.”

 ⁵ This is what God the LORD says—
the Creator of the heavens, who stretches them out,
   who spreads out the earth with all that springs from it,
   who gives breath to its people,
   and life to those who walk on it:
⁶ “I, the LORD, have called you in righteousness;
   I will take hold of your hand.
I will keep you and will make you
   to be a covenant for the people
   and a light for the Gentiles,
⁷ to open eyes that are blind,
   to free captives from prison
   and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness.

Isaiah 42:1-7

 Then there is this in Isaiah 61:1-3.

¹ The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
   because the LORD has anointed me
   to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
   to proclaim freedom for the captives
   and release from darkness for the prisoners,
² to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
   and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
 ³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
   instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
   instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
   instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
   a planting of the LORD
   for the display of his splendor. 

Jesus was placed on this earth to set captives (aka you, me, and every human on this earth) free. Free from slavery to sin and death. When He sets us free from death, He puts His Spirit inside of us-anointing us be His vessel in setting others free.  We all have different gifts.  This will not and cannot look the same in everyone's life.  However, this is the anointing we are given as followers of Jesus.  Are you doing what you have been anointed to do-set the captives free?