A year ago...

A year ago I started this blog.  As I was reading what I have written the past year I am amazed.  Amazed at what I was saying, amazed at what God has taught me, and amazed at the way my life has changed.  A theme seems to continue to come up...waiting for God's timing.  Seriously, for all you who have read this from the beginning..why didn't you tell me a whine way to much about waiting on God.  Accountability people! (Natalie? Where are you at? ;)) In some ways I feel like waiting on God's timing is something I will always be learning because I am REALLY bad at it.  However, along with my whining, are stories of God's faithfulness and lessons learned.

The following are my own words from past posts:

 

1)"All in all, I know that so far I have done what God has set in place for me to do. It is not what I first desired, but I have decided to embrace God's timing and trust that He knows what He is doing." 

2)Through the waiting I am determined to see God in everything, no matter where I am at.

Trusting God means:

• not having all the answers (sometimes it seems like you have no answers at all), but being okay with it
• stepping out in faith not knowing what He has in store, but being excited about it anyway
• Changes come so that we continue to realize the blessings we have and to draw us nearer to God

3)"I keep praying that I would see God's work. I think that when I live life uncomfortably He will have more of an opportunity to do just that. He will also reveal Himself and bring glory to His name through every situation. Isn't that why I am here in the first place, to glorify His name??"

 My comments to them now:

1) "Embrace God's timing and trust that He knows what He is doing." That sounds wise...maybe I should take my own advice huh?

2)You know it kinda stings to read your own words.  Your own words can cut straight to your heart..wow!

3) Living life uncomfortably ha!...bet I didn't know a year later I would be a senior living in the dorms again!

Overall...The Holy Spirit in my wrote those words, not the fleshy part of me...that's for sure!

I definitely did not know the full consequences of some prayers prayed, but they would definitely explain some life circumstances I find myself in currently.  WARNING! Be careful what you pray for...God's serious about the "ask and ye shall receive" thing!

As soon as I finish writing the above statement and I am now thinking..I would totally do it again because even though it was hard and really sucked at times..it was still SO WORTH IT! I know so much more about God now. And I will definitely continue to pray the dangerous prayers because God has stolen my heart.  It is His and nothing can seperate us now. My heart is His and its deepest desire will always be to bring glory to His name no matter the cost.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. " Romans 8:38 

So I am bracing myself for another year of joy and heartache.  Knowing God will reveal Himself even more this year than last year.  He will break my heart for what breaks His (this is how He gets me to do the crazy things..haha).  I ball my eyes out and ask what can I do...He is in control from there. 

Thanks for reading this and all the other posts! Be prepared for another year full of stories about God's goodness, with hints of whining about waiting (sorry people...I'm a work in progress!) 

Letting Him Love Me

Confession: Even feeling God's love after the last post I am still struggling to let God love me. Yup, I can write that and still be defiant towards God.  I am not perfect.

I know God wants to fully love me, but I a feeling of intense unworthiness.  At the very core of me, I know that whatever He gives me I am bound to mess up.  So why give it to me? Why does a Holy God put His Holy Spirit in a body that is bound to disgrace it? The answer came at Salt Company last Thursday.

Drew talked about the glory of God.  He said we are made to worship God and bring glory to His name.  That is our whole purpose.  To illustrate this Drew created this picture:

Imagine that there is car coming towards a bridge.  One side is you and on the other is Jesus.  God has to decide which one to hit: me or Jesus, God's perfect son (the one who has never disgraced God's name).  I know that God will choose to hit Jesus. What I saw in the picture in my head was me trying to run over in front of Jesus, so that God would not have to kill Him.  I am the unworthy one, so I should be the one to die. However, by my interference I am not letting God's full glory be shown.  If God had hit me or like the Bible says, leave us in our sin, then His full power would never be revealed.  But by letting us crucify His Son, then He could show His power by bringing His Son back to life. 

Light bulb!! I am here on this earth to bring God glory.  By rejecting His love or not letting Him fully reveal Himself to/in me because I feel undeserving I am not letting Him show His full glory.  As He sanctifies me I am to share what He does.  I am to tell of His works. My life is to reflect His work.  In being honest about my weakness, God's strength will be shown.

God wants to use me to bring Him glory and it is difficult to do that if I am pushing His love away.  Truthfully, I am still working out the details, but if I can bring Him glory by letting Him love me then I want to be all about that!

 ¹ But now, this is what the LORD says—
   he who created you, Jacob,
   he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
   I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters,
   I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
   they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
   you will not be burned;
   the flames will not set you ablaze.
³ For I am the LORD your God,
   the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
   Cush and Seba in your stead.
⁴ Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
   and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
   nations in exchange for your life.
⁵ Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
   I will bring your children from the east
   and gather you from the west.
⁶ I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
   and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring my sons from afar
   and my daughters from the ends of the earth—
⁷ everyone who is called by my name,
   whom I created for my glory,
   whom I formed and made.” 

Isaiah 43:1-7

 

Love

⁶ Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.
⁷ She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say,
‘I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now.’ 
 ⁸ She has not acknowledged that I was the one
who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil,
who lavished on her the silver and gold—
which they used for Baal.

¹² I will ruin her vines and her fig trees,
which she said were her pay from her lovers;
I will make them a thicket,
and wild animals will devour them.
¹³ I will punish her for the days
she burned incense to the Baals;
she decked herself with rings and jewelry,
and went after her lovers,
but me she forgot,”
declares the LORD.

Hosea 2:6-8, 12-13

I read this and I feel like Gomer, the woman being described in this passage.  I have ran to other lovers.  I have wanted and pursued what God has told me is not good for me.  I have chosen to disobey Him and try to pave my own path.  This has always and will always end in ruin.  I PROMISE. 

But to my disobedience God says this is the very next verse:

¹⁴ “Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her.
¹⁵ There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will respond as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

¹⁶ “In that day,” declares the LORD,
“you will call me ‘my husband’;
you will no longer call me ‘my master.^[d]’
¹⁷ I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips;
no longer will their names be invoked.
¹⁸ In that day I will make a covenant for them
with the beasts of the field, the birds in the sky
and the creatures that move along the ground.
Bow and sword and battle
I will abolish from the land,
so that all may lie down in safety.
¹⁹ I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
²⁰ I will betroth you in faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the LORD.

Hosea 2:14-20

Did you get that people? To our inability to do a darn good thing, God says He wants to be our husband. The God who is described in the previous post wants to be your Husband.  He has betrothed Himself to us with righteousness, justice, love, compassion, and faithfulness.  HE LOVES YOU! He wants to for Himself.  He wants all of you..the good and the bad. Because He takes the bad and will turn it into good.  He wants everything!  He has pursued you and will always pursue you until He is your everything.  He loves you and He wants you to love Him in return.  What is your response?





Isaiah 40

²⁷ Why do you complain, Jacob?
   Why do you say, Israel,
“My way is hidden from the LORD;
   my cause is disregarded by my God”?
²⁸ Do you not know?
   Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
   the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
   and his understanding no one can fathom.
²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
   and increases the power of the weak.
³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
   and young men stumble and fall;
³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
   will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
   they will run and not grow weary,
   they will walk and not be faint. 

Isaiah 40:27-31

He is mine...

I have nothing.  When I gave my life to Jesus, I signed over all rights to my heart, my body, my life...everything

I handed over my body and He took it and put His Holy Spirit in it.  Let me restate that...the God who created ALL THINGS put HIS SPIRIT inside me.  As for my life...He took my old life-destined for eternal torment in hell and with one breath gave me a life of joy, peace, eternity with a holy and loving God.

God, who knows the heart, showed that he accepted them by giving the Holy Spirit to them...Acts 15:8 

I have the spirit of Jesus and eternal life with Him. These are the things that I can call mine and never have to give up. All else I must count as lost.  The counting as lost thing is where I am currently struggling.  I like my stuff.  But none of it is mine. Over time they will change and/or be taken away.  The only thing I will have forever is Him.  Jesus is mine. I am His child.

I walked back to my room tonight thinking about my unknown future after I graduate in May.  I thought how "my" future is God's.  His fingerprints are on it.  As I thought this, I am suddenly struck by what I see in front of me. A beautiful pink sunset is the backdrop a majestic tree with orange and brown leaves.  'Wow God' is my first reaction.  Then I realize I had absolutely nothing do with that...I just walked into it.  So, this is how I feel about my future.  God is already working on it. I will just cling to Him and follow Him into something beautiful.

 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11

Where I end...He begins!

My strength ended 3 assignments, 10 hours of work, and 2 courses ago.  The best news in the world is that where I end...He begins!  

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9


Do you ever pray something and think "Wow..that was a dangerous prayer.." I distinctly remember my sophomore year at a Salt Retreat asking God to use me, to wear me out for His purposes.  See...I ask God for this and then complain when He gives me what I ask for.

I feel like these last few weeks have been the biggest challenge of God answering that prayer. I gave my very best effort to complete all these tasks on my own.  For two weeks I said I was trusting God, but there was something in my heart that was still very much trying to do it on my own.  This resulted in a few slight break downs and tears.  (I have the most amazing friends who loved me through those.) I knew I couldn't do it on my own, but I gave it my very best effort!  Eventually God broke down my pride.  I had to ask Him for help and I received more than I could possibly imagine.  Crazy how He is faithful to His word.

So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. Luke 11:9

When I was driving home from work on Monday night I was thinking how I had three assignments to complete that night...(this is after I have been working hard completing 2 other assignments over the weekend.)  Obviously I was anxious about getting it all done and still being able to sleep.  Then this thought popped into my head.  I serve a God who breathed the very breath of eternal life in my body, saved me from eternity in hell. If you really meditate on these truths they will knock you over in amazement! So I truly humble myself before Him and asked for help. And it was like God was just waiting patiently for me to really humbly ask for help. And guess what? Let's just say He was super faithful and I got those assignments done in a very timely manner and got 8 hours of sleep!

So...what I have learned the last few weeks?

Life is much easier, joyful, fun, and more full of laughter when I let God help me! :)

A Holy Life?

You're calling me to lay aside
The worries of my day
To quiet down my busy mind
Find a hiding place
Worthy, You are worthy

Open up my heart
And let my spirit worship Yours
I open up my mouth
And let a song of praise come forth
Worthy, You are worthy

Of a childlike faith
And of my honest praise
Of my unashamed love
Of a holy life
And of my sacrifice
Of my unashamed love 

These are lyrics I have sang many times, but this morning these words seem to present a challenge.  Are the things these verses talk about things that characterize my life? He is worthy of all of it, yet I cannot seem to give it all to Him. What does a holy life look like? I am struggling to find an answer.  It certainly can't be mine, can it? Mine is marked by failure to obey, failure to put Him first, failure to desire His will before anything else, failure to give Him my full attention...many failures on my part.  How can my life be holy? These verses comes to mind.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Galatians 2:20

Back to the question, how can my life be holy?  Answer: Jesus.  He loved me and died for me. After I surrender my life to Him, my life became holy.  The Holy Spirit entered my body and it became holy. So, I guess a holy life is one that is sold out for Him.  One that is full of Jesus and the very Spirit of God inside me.  So, full of everyday failures, but full of confession and constant reliance on the salvation He gives. This is my conclusion of what a holy life looks like.  Less of me..more of Jesus.