This year has been one of intense wrestling with the God of the universe. One that has left me with wounds I am not ready for blog world to know just yet. Walking with people who have deep wounds effects the depths of who I am. There is deep assurance and peace I have in doing what I do, but it has and continues to leave it's mark on me. Pain such as I have seen and experienced in the last year I had previously only heard of. I am not sure I can communicate how it has challenged me, but I will try.
There was time when God awoke my heart to the sufferings others experienced. He showed it to me in the friends He brought into my life and He lead me to resources that told of stories of all sorts of pain. He coupled this with revealing scripture after scripture to me about His desire to heal and redeem (Isaiah 61, Hosea 2, Ezekiel 3...to name a few). My heart was caught up in a new passion-to see Jesus redeem deep brokenness. I suppose, as a result to this desire He lead me to a Master of Social Work degree. While all this was happening He let me walk beside women and sisters in Christ and watch Him heal them. I wrestled with Him to some extent about what He allowed them to experience but nothing would have prepared me for what He had in-store.
Eventually came the day when I had received my degrees and training. The time had come to give whole life and step into a career of helping others. And so began the journey as a mental health therapist. A therapist working with primarily children. Children with deep wounds. Such brokenness broke me. My life seemed swallowed up in grief and sorrow over these children. To walk with them and their families was what God had designed me to do. But oh how it effected me.
Joy seemed like something of a dream that existed long ago. Happiness would occasionally show it's face but only briefly. Fear became a constant companion never leaving my side. People around me lived their lives but I was just weary with sorrow and grief. Every day a weight hung over me from the burden of these children.
Then I experienced a loss and sorrow in my own life as my husband and I went through a miscarriage. This on top of burdens from others I was already bearing nearly crushed me. In my grieving, questions that had laid beneath the surface finally bubbled up. One question seemed more prominent than the rest. How does a loving God allow such evil and pain to touch His beloved children? In following Jesus' invitation to investigate His Word, I have wrestled with this deep thought and through Scripture as well as a couple of sermons from the church I call home I have found multiple answers. Here is a great sermon from my home church and here is another one.
I made some decisions through this process and as time has passed I have developed a better balance in my life. I still do the job I am deeply passionate about and I still feel the pain of personal loss, but God is redeeming in the beautiful way only He can. Through the process I have learned that joy comes from fixing my eyes on the hope of Heaven-where no pain or suffering exists (Rev. 21). That I am to give my burdens over to the One who died so that He may carry and redeem them (Matt 11:28-30). I have learned the importance of rest and enjoying the things my Father created me to enjoy. I believe I will spend the rest of my life disciplining myself daily in all three of these areas...and I believe that is okay.
So today I take a breathe. One that comes from deep within my inmost being. I acknowledge the evil and agree with God it is not okay. I acknowledge that I do not fully understand why a loving God allows the pain and suffering that evil causes. But I will choose to trust that the lack of my understanding does not make my God's love any less perfect or powerful. Today I breathe deep a love that I cannot comprehend. I breath in peace, joy, and healing. As I walk this life with the divine purpose of burden bearer (Gal. 6:2), I treasure the moments--the days--were I get to breathe deep and rest (Matt. 11:28).
