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| Photo credit…valmarlene.com |
I want to post some engagement pictures, but I think a lot of times other people look at these pictures and believe that the life of whomever is in the picture is certainly better than their own. And so I hesitate.
Our season of engagement is not at all what I expected. Let me first say that my fiancé has loved me with incredible persistence and extravagance the last 4 months. Also, I absolutely love my job and it is what God has gifted me to do. Both of those statements are true without question.
What's also true is that the last 4 months of been among the most difficult of my life. I cried more than any previous season (if you know my you know that's a significant- amount). Every day is legitimate battle against not only my own flesh/sin, but also against the sin others commit. I am a weak selfish person aside from the power of the Holy Spirit living inside me. That has never been so clear as it has been in the last 4 months. Sin's prevalence in this world is astounding and horrific. However, the most important Truth I have wrestled with and am choosing to believe is that Jesus' death on the Cross is enough to conquer any sin that exists in my heart and the world. What I daily live is a battle against my own fear and doubt. Then I go to work and go deep into the darkness of other's lives and do the same with them. The depths of my soul that has always enjoyed and longed to do more of this with people is fully satisfied. This is why I love my job.
While all of that is true, due to intenseness of the battle the last few months I have struggled in every area of my life. I have struggled in my relationship with Jesus. This effects all other areas of my life: Mark, friendships, and work. On more than one occasion I felt so worthless (due to my own heart issues) that I just wanted to give my ring back to Mark. I have isolated myself because I have felt defeated by my job and have no energy left to relationally engage with anyone. While I love my job, there are days I just scrape by because I am so exhausted.
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| Photo credit…valmarlene.com |
Due to my lack of trust in God's ability to help me I have struggled greatly with anxiety. This has caused wedding planning to become a chore rather than a joy. God has been super gracious and provided all that I need, but I have been an anxious mess through it. Unfortunately, the result has been that it hasn't been super joyful time I always imagined. He has taught me that in my ability to suck the joy out of something that is supposed to be great, He is still faithful. He will give me what I need. And that is a beautiful truth to realize because you can bet that I will continue to struggle with anxiety in planning this wedding in the last month and half of engagement. Our engagement will continue and nothing big is changing. But I pray that I would maybe trust Him a little bit more now as I step forward.
So that's my story friends. The story of our first 4 months of engagement and how it doesn't meet any of my expectations that I always dreamed of. But you know what? I wouldn't want it any other way, because God glorified Himself in it and that is what I live for. He will not let me find hope and joy anything less than Himself. While that is painful thing, it is a beautiful thing.
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| Photo credit…valmarlene.com |
…we rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope will not disappoint us, becsaue God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
Romans 5:3-5
