Into the Darkness as Dawn Approaches

This summer I fell in love with sunrises and sunsets. It all started one Sunday night as I was driving home from work. I could see over the houses and stores that the sun was setting. I decided to chase it. I had no idea where I was going, but I just wanted to see the sunset unobstructed by man made objects. So, I sped past my house and kept driving down the road into the country. Eventually I ended up in the field driveway on a random country road. 

See why I chased it?

It was this night that I felt God whisper that it was the beginning of a new season for Him and I. He set in my heart a desire to seek His face with higher level of intensity then ever before. 

My heart says of you, "Seek His face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek. Psalm 27:8

When thinking about what this new intensity would like, I thought it would be fun to see the sunrise and the sunset every day. My hearts desire was to seek God fully and not waste the day. So, I decided that I would get up when the sun did. You can imagine my surprise and slight shock as I came home that night to discover that in June the sunrises around 5:15-5:30am, but I decided to try it anyway. The first few mornings/weeks were rough, but as the summer progressed I got used to waking up early and to my delight the sun also started rising later ;) I want to share with you just one of the beautiful lessons I learned and am continuing to learn as I meet the sun in the morning.

The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of the day. 

Proverbs 4:18

Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him and He will do this; He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. 

Psalm 37:5-6

And if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday sun. Isaiah 58:10 

Waking up when it was still early and dark was sometimes usually rough. Honestly, there were some mornings I just feel back asleep. But, when I did drag my butt out of bed I NEVER once regretted. The beauty I got to see and the ways Jesus met me were ALWAYS worth it.

There is something profoundly beautiful about rising up in darkness, when few other people are awake. Most people don't seem to want to actually be awake at this time in the morning. However, as I drive out to my favorite place my heart just fills with anticipation at what I might see. Every morning is different. 

 At the beginning of the sunrise I can't see the sun, all I can see it the light it is giving off.  I usually sit safely in my car, as to not put myself in danger. (Running on the trails by myself in darkness is unwise...yes, mom and dad I do sometimes you listen to you guys) But, as I wait patiently the sun slowly begins to reveal itself. Then I get out of my car and begin running. As I run the sun begins to touch creation, shining it's warm light on all things created. It first touches the tips of trees and then trickles down the leaves and spills onto the flowers and prairie grass. Until the light has touched all things.

And I can't not help but see the beautiful picture this paints of the way I desire to live my life. To rise up and run with joyful anticipation into darkness. Having full confidence in the faithfulness of the God I serve to show up. That He will shine His light into the darkness, just like He has for millions of years before. Only at this time, for this day, I get to witness it. Oh, how I long to be a part of it- a part of such extraordinary beauty of bringing light into darkness. That is one of the deepest desires of my heart.

     

What I know of true love...

TRUE LOVE~

*gives me His identity-His name...Christian

*knows my heart and loves me anyway

*heals my brokenness

*satisfies the deepest longings of my soul

*Calls me His Beloved Daughter 

*protects me as I face evil

*is my strength

*Is my rear guard and the one standing beside me holding my hand

*teaches me and instructs me in the way I should go

*plans each day out for me and even lets me pick what we do some days 

*gives me all things I could ever need...clothes, shelter, every meal

*takes me on beautiful adventures both big and small

*trusts me enough to let me help Him accomplish His purposes on this earth

*wraps me up in His exquisite beauty AND calls me beautiful

*Died on a Cross and defeated death so I could be set free from death and condemnation

*Died on a Cross so I could live a life discovering just how high and deep and long and wide TRUE LOVE really is.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophesy, and can fathom all mystery and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophesies they will will cease; where there are tongues they will stilled; where there is knowledge it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child I talked like a child, thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."

1 Corinthians 13

This is what I, a single 23 year old, knows of true love and I'm okay with that ;)

Trusting in His Pursuit

Surely your goodness and love will follow me 

all the days of my life...Psalm 23:6 NIV

Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me 

all the days of my life...Psalm 23:6 NLT

Only goodness and faithful love will pursue me

all the days of my life...Psalm 23:6 HCSB

I used to think this specific passage was God's promise to me. That His faithful goodness and love will pursue me. But if you look at the context, this verse is David's expression of faith. David is saying this to God as something he believes in faith. He has seen God's incredible provision. There were also MANY circumstances in David's life that were far from what we would perceive as an expression of  God's goodness and faithfulness. However, David was still able to proclaim this statement whether or not his life circumstances were displaying God's goodness in a way that he and/or the world understood.

Faith. That is what this man had. And that is what I want more of. I would like to live life in such a way that displays this kind of faith and trust. What does that look like?

I can tell you what it doesn't look like. Sometimes I find myself like a child who's arms are loaded down with carrying all her beautiful toys she's been given. Goodness and love keeps piling it on and she just doesn't want to let any of it go because it's all just so good. So her arms if full and sore from carry it all and she can't see where she's going. 

Ya, I think that it is time to let some of it go. To rejoice in the gift while it's given, but to let go to make room for the new gifts. And also never to forget that even the seemingly less beautiful things are gifts too!

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19

This song pretty much sums it up....

If I give it all to you

will you make it all new?

If I open up my hands 

will you fill them again?

His Words

I journal. A lot. It's a way for me to communicate with God. It's my way to process all my thoughts. It's also a way for God to communicate with me. Some people may not understand this, but there are times when the Holy Spirit takes over. It's as if when writing He just takes the pen. The result is usually beautiful.

Today I was looking through my journal from this past semester. What I found in the pages written on March 11, 2013 are worth sharing. That day was specifically one of intense battle and one of my darkest days of the semester. Here is a small bit of the Truth God spoke to me copied straight out of my journal:

"Beloved, I died for all your weaknesses. Where you are weak I will be gloried. If you weren't weak why would you need me? If you weren't broken why would you need a Healer? If you weren't a sinner why would you need a Savior? For I am the One you need. No one but I could do the things you need."

Not even silver and gold (1 Peter 1:18), the most treasured things on earth could pay the debt I owed for my sins. I was a mess, Jesus. Lost and confused. 

But, Beloved, I saw your debt and knew paying it would not only bring you closer to Me, but also be the greatest expression of love you will ever know. I knew that dying on the cross would bring Me the most glory. Therefore, I humbled Myself and died. For you. For all the world.

Now, Beloved, because of the cross, you are redeemed. Admit your weaknesses, but I beg that you would not dwell on them. Do not let shame lie to you. For you are forgiven. Set free from all the shame and guilt sin causes/d in your life.

Beloved, My grace is sufficient. I am fully aware that you will never be perfect at loving and following me. I know. And I am okay with that because in your mess-ups I can reveal My crazy extravagant love. In your brokenness and weakness is where you find your need for Me. In this I take delight. When you are fully dependent on Me.

That's what I found in my journal from three months ago. That's what I wanted to share today. My life is lived for the display of His glory. Therefore, even if it's uncomfortable I will confess my weaknesses for the display of His crazy extravagant love.

He Withholds No Good Thing

For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; 

no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. 

Psalm 84:11

I have tried to be as honest and as transparent on my blog as possible and I have exposed parts of my heart I'm not entirely sure I want to expose. However, God graciously gifts me with powerful bits of wisdom and I know I am blessed to be a blessing. So, at the urging of a new and pretty wonderful friend I am writing this post about a specific bit of wisdom God continuously uses to bring peace to my heart. I hope and pray that God uses this truth to bring peace to any restless hearts out there.

The Lie: Because I do not have what my heart desires God is punishing me. I am not holy enough. I do not love Him enough. My sin has tainted me and broken me in such a way that I might never be able to receive the desires of my heart.

The Truth: God withholds no good thing. If it was best for you to have whatever it is your heart desires right now, then you would have it. If God has decided not to gift you with whatever your heart desires right now, then it would not be good for you to have it. It is not His best for you. Period.

Satan has told me and I have believed every one of those lies. God has graciously spoken that powerful truth into the depths of my heart, setting me free from the despair that came when I believed those lies. Truth does bring inexpressible joy.

My heart desires many things I do not have. Recognize that my following desires are not bad and I honestly think God placed them in my heart for a reason. I desire to adopt. I desire to love and be a part of the healing process for the orphaned and women who have been trafficked. I desire to travel and live in other countries. I desire to use all the wisdom I am gaining in my classes to help the oppressed and marginalized.  I desire to be married.

Also, I fully recognize that not everyone has these same desires, but I've discovered that there are more kindred spirits out there than I once thought who do have similar desires ;)

I first began to understand the power of the above bolded truth about two years ago (read here). I have been wrestling for numerous years with a desire to do missions in foreign countries and God has continuously closed the door. However, most recently this truth has been brought to mind when wrestling with the desire to be married. Last summer I was blessed to be a part of numerous weddings. Almost every weekend for two months was filled with a dress fitting, a bridal shower, a fun bachlorette party or a beautiful wedding. Being a part of each wedding was truly a gift and God showed me something unique through each couple. 

However, if I'm being honest there were some difficult moments when I would get a little (or a lot depending on the day) frustrated that God still hadn't given me the gift of marriage. Through my joyfully engaged and eventually married friends I could easily see the beauty in each wedding day and the amazingness of marriage. Side note: A bride's joy on her wedding day has got to be one of these most beautiful things on the face of the earth. Right up there with the joy of new mom.

In the moments of my frustration God whispered this beautiful truth. 

Beloved, I know you. I made you. I know what is good for you. If marriage is good and truly best for you right now, I would abundantly give you such a gift. 

I could choose to respond two different ways to this beautifully hard truth spoken to my heart by the Lover of my soul. I could respond in rebellion, choosing to ignore Him and decide to take matters into my own hands. OR. I could choose to trust Him, seek Him more intensely, asking Him to open my eyes to the ways He is lavishing His extravagant love on me now and asking Him lavish that love on me even more. I'm a little needy sometimes ;)

I chose the latter. I started memorizing 1 Corinthians 13. I spent more time with Him on walks, in prayer, journaling, diving into His Word. I told Him the desires of my heart and surrendered them to Him to satisfy Himself. Was it easy? No, discipline was required. Did it allow me to fully embrace the beauty of each of my friends' weddings and allow me to feel God's heart rejoicing as they each exchanged their marriage vows? Yes

God is good. Period. He gives different gifts at different times. Right now I have been gifted with singleness. After much wrestling I can say that I am truly grateful for this gift. God knows me best. He knows what I need. If it was best for me to be married and/or living in a different country then I would be. Since neither is true of my life right now then it is because it is better for me not to be. God withholds no good thing from me. 

For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; 

no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. 

Psalm 84:11

Take Me Deeper...

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

I am extremely intimidated by this song. If I sing these lyrics and mean it I am asking God to take me---where feet may fail and fear surrounds me. And take me where my trust is without borders. And take me deeper than my feet could ever wander.

Basically, I am asking God to take me into the darkest places. Bring me to the end of myself entirely. I am asking Him to take me to places my flesh would not naturally desire to go. Not only would I naturally not desire to go there, but could not physically go there without the power of God enabling me to do so.  Essentially, I am specifically asking God to bring me up against the impossible so that -- My faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.

And yet, as I listen to the words, my spirit yearns and agrees with every word. My heart longs for these truths to be made evident in my life. I desire to live a life like that. Let me make one thing clear. This is ONLY the evidence of Jesus in my life. He has truly taken my desires and transformed them to aline with His. He has revealed Himself to be faithful and loving in ALL THINGS--seen and unseen. And I just cannot stop wanting to know more of that love. 

So, this is my heart. Completely abandoned. Knowing that what He asked me to do will absolutely be impossible to accomplish if attempted by the strength of my flesh alone. I will be completely reliant on Him alone. I will have to completely trust without borders in the sovereignty of God alone. Absolutely nothing else will sustain me. The world will probably call me crazy. 

But I serve a sovereign loving God. So, in every hardship I face, when I come to a place where feet fail and fear surrounds me, I will declare--You've never failed and You won't start now. My soul will rest in Your embrace. For I am Yours and You are mine.

The Author and co-author...

I've been contemplating choices and obedience to God's sovereign will. How is God sovereign, yet allowing us to make choices? Here is my thought process as I fumble through this. 

I picture God as the Author of my story. He is writing this insane love story that ends with a beautiful wedding when all of His church is ushered into Heaven. Inside of the bigger story of His pursuit of the Church as His bride, He is writing a love story as He pursues my heart. He wants my heart. He wants your heart. All of it. Every last guilty broken piece.

He is the Author. Hebrews 12:2 says so--"the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

Recap: Jesus being the Author of faith was joyfully tortured for me. After He was tortured He took His place next to His Father, the King. Clearly, God is the Sovereign King ruling, reigning and writing this whole crazy love story. I think I get it...I think.

 However, as I have lived out this love story/my life, I feel I have been able to make choices along the way. Some of my previous posts have been written amidst seasons of making these choices. I feel as though sometimes God says "Here's the pen. I am sovereign and mighty enough to make good out of either choice you make." Because He promises to "cause all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

And as I write/choose, He lovingly places His hand over mine in protection to make sure I don't do anything too crazy ;) 

So, I think this is a joint project. He is the Ruler and Author over all, but He allows us to be co-heirs to reign (and write) with Him. 

Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heir of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in His suffering in order that we may also share in His glory. Romans 8:17 

1 Corinthians 13 + Johnny and June

Hi friends! It's been awhile! Life has happened and God continues to take me deeper into the understanding of just how high, wide, long, and deep this love of His really is. And let me tell you, it is quite the bumpy roller coaster! But rest assured, God's hand always protects.

Recently, I was working out and memorizing 1 Corinthians 13. You know...

Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

So, I'm concentrating very hard on recalling these verses (because scripture memory is quite difficult for me) and the song country Johnny and June comes on over the speakers. I really enjoy this song and instantly began singing along (in my head). The chorus is "I want a love like Johnny and June." Then I realize, the world has painted this picture of what love is. However, the world describes love has oneself being happy and satisfied and is largely instant pleasure focused (emotionally and physically). Mostly, love as the world sees it is largely self-centered and completely about self-gratification.

Instantly, my heart became angry at the world. Because, as a female, I have seen countless chick-flicks and have had the world's picture of love shoved in my face from a very early age and oh, how I have bought into it! However, what God says love is is ENTIRELY different! The love God describes is way more difficult for humans to understand and imitate. This kind of love will challenge the heck out of us humans--"not proud", "not easily angered", "no record of wrongs". God even goes so far as to say that love is "not self-seeking". Yup folks, He went there...

This love is also much harder to find than what my beloved Hallmark movies portray.

In an effort to keep inline with the theme of the blog, it seems God is teaching me about the part of James 1:27 I honestly kind of ignore...Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

So, what do I do with this new truth handed to me?? (in the gym of all places--evidence of God's sense of humor). First, I'm writing it on my heart so that God can bring it to mind at any time. I am also taking a step away from the chick-flicks (at least for awhile). I also decided to really intentionally dig into the love stories God writes in the Bible. I want to know what love, as the Creator made it to be, really looks like. All the while, hoping and praying that God would continue to cleanse me from the lies of the world to make my heart look more like His. For my greatest desire is to know His love and to make it known to the world.

(Side note: I still like Johnny and June and have listened to it while writing this)