A year ago...

A year ago I started this blog.  As I was reading what I have written the past year I am amazed.  Amazed at what I was saying, amazed at what God has taught me, and amazed at the way my life has changed.  A theme seems to continue to come up...waiting for God's timing.  Seriously, for all you who have read this from the beginning..why didn't you tell me a whine way to much about waiting on God.  Accountability people! (Natalie? Where are you at? ;)) In some ways I feel like waiting on God's timing is something I will always be learning because I am REALLY bad at it.  However, along with my whining, are stories of God's faithfulness and lessons learned.

The following are my own words from past posts:

 

1)"All in all, I know that so far I have done what God has set in place for me to do. It is not what I first desired, but I have decided to embrace God's timing and trust that He knows what He is doing." 

2)Through the waiting I am determined to see God in everything, no matter where I am at.

Trusting God means:

• not having all the answers (sometimes it seems like you have no answers at all), but being okay with it
• stepping out in faith not knowing what He has in store, but being excited about it anyway
• Changes come so that we continue to realize the blessings we have and to draw us nearer to God

3)"I keep praying that I would see God's work. I think that when I live life uncomfortably He will have more of an opportunity to do just that. He will also reveal Himself and bring glory to His name through every situation. Isn't that why I am here in the first place, to glorify His name??"

 My comments to them now:

1) "Embrace God's timing and trust that He knows what He is doing." That sounds wise...maybe I should take my own advice huh?

2)You know it kinda stings to read your own words.  Your own words can cut straight to your heart..wow!

3) Living life uncomfortably ha!...bet I didn't know a year later I would be a senior living in the dorms again!

Overall...The Holy Spirit in my wrote those words, not the fleshy part of me...that's for sure!

I definitely did not know the full consequences of some prayers prayed, but they would definitely explain some life circumstances I find myself in currently.  WARNING! Be careful what you pray for...God's serious about the "ask and ye shall receive" thing!

As soon as I finish writing the above statement and I am now thinking..I would totally do it again because even though it was hard and really sucked at times..it was still SO WORTH IT! I know so much more about God now. And I will definitely continue to pray the dangerous prayers because God has stolen my heart.  It is His and nothing can seperate us now. My heart is His and its deepest desire will always be to bring glory to His name no matter the cost.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. " Romans 8:38 

So I am bracing myself for another year of joy and heartache.  Knowing God will reveal Himself even more this year than last year.  He will break my heart for what breaks His (this is how He gets me to do the crazy things..haha).  I ball my eyes out and ask what can I do...He is in control from there. 

Thanks for reading this and all the other posts! Be prepared for another year full of stories about God's goodness, with hints of whining about waiting (sorry people...I'm a work in progress!) 

Letting Him Love Me

Confession: Even feeling God's love after the last post I am still struggling to let God love me. Yup, I can write that and still be defiant towards God.  I am not perfect.

I know God wants to fully love me, but I a feeling of intense unworthiness.  At the very core of me, I know that whatever He gives me I am bound to mess up.  So why give it to me? Why does a Holy God put His Holy Spirit in a body that is bound to disgrace it? The answer came at Salt Company last Thursday.

Drew talked about the glory of God.  He said we are made to worship God and bring glory to His name.  That is our whole purpose.  To illustrate this Drew created this picture:

Imagine that there is car coming towards a bridge.  One side is you and on the other is Jesus.  God has to decide which one to hit: me or Jesus, God's perfect son (the one who has never disgraced God's name).  I know that God will choose to hit Jesus. What I saw in the picture in my head was me trying to run over in front of Jesus, so that God would not have to kill Him.  I am the unworthy one, so I should be the one to die. However, by my interference I am not letting God's full glory be shown.  If God had hit me or like the Bible says, leave us in our sin, then His full power would never be revealed.  But by letting us crucify His Son, then He could show His power by bringing His Son back to life. 

Light bulb!! I am here on this earth to bring God glory.  By rejecting His love or not letting Him fully reveal Himself to/in me because I feel undeserving I am not letting Him show His full glory.  As He sanctifies me I am to share what He does.  I am to tell of His works. My life is to reflect His work.  In being honest about my weakness, God's strength will be shown.

God wants to use me to bring Him glory and it is difficult to do that if I am pushing His love away.  Truthfully, I am still working out the details, but if I can bring Him glory by letting Him love me then I want to be all about that!

 ¹ But now, this is what the LORD says—
   he who created you, Jacob,
   he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
   I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters,
   I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
   they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
   you will not be burned;
   the flames will not set you ablaze.
³ For I am the LORD your God,
   the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
   Cush and Seba in your stead.
⁴ Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
   and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
   nations in exchange for your life.
⁵ Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
   I will bring your children from the east
   and gather you from the west.
⁶ I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
   and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring my sons from afar
   and my daughters from the ends of the earth—
⁷ everyone who is called by my name,
   whom I created for my glory,
   whom I formed and made.” 

Isaiah 43:1-7