Run Your Race

Hello Friends. It's been awhile.

Lately I've been developing disciplines. Last Spring I wanted to start a healthy lifestyle of exercise but didn't know what that looked like. A friend (who happens to be the mom one of my very best friends) offered to run with me. I've ran in my past but not like this. I don't ever run unless she is there with me (notice italics in developing disciplines..it's hard to get out of bed at 5:50am). She has a watch and every run is timed. Making sure we know and keep our pace. She has worked with me to slowly get me up to running 3 miles. I ran my first one today!

There are many metaphors in running obviously and the Bible talks about it in multiple places but I wanted to share some of I learned today upon reflection of my running experience thus far:

--Do not judge the value of your pace by others. Jeannie had to slow us down because she knew we were running too fast at the start. We knew what we were capable of and what our pace should be. To think we were doing poorly because other people were passing us would have been incorrect.
   Translation to walking with Jesus: We each have our own bodies, giftings, and limitations. We are all running our individual race towards Heaven. To judge the value of  our gifts or skills based on someone else's creates division and envy within the body which Jesus specifically prays against (John 17:22-23).

--Let yourself be challenged by those around you. We ran faster than we ever had because there were people around us challenging us.
    Translation for a Christian's life: Living in community with other Christians should be a priority because it will encourage you to live on the edge of your ability, challenging you to run your race faster. Seeing someone find a helpful way to memorize scripture, read the Bible, or cook for their family should help us to be more effective for the Kingdom. 

--There was physical pain involved in running. Whether side-ache, pain in your shin, knee, ankle etc.  there is almost always something that hurts.
    Translation for believers in Jesus: Running your race to Heaven will involve suffering. This world is broken and full of sin. But God promises to uses this pain for good because He called us by name and is using our lives for His purposes (Romans 8:28). 

--Rewards come at the end of the race. I got chocolate-no joke-it was called the "Halloween Hot Chocolate Race". Jesus loves me and knows how to reward me here on earth :)
    Translation to the body of Believers: We will receive a reward, for persevering and obeying despite the pain, when we get to Heaven. (Matt. 6:19-21)

So dear friend, as the author of Hebrews encourages, "let us run with perseverance the run marked out for us" (Heb. 12:1-3). Be who God made you to be. Persevere in faith "fixing [your] eyes on Jesus", who loves you and has called you by name to be His. Be encouraged by the amazing stories God is writing around you in the lives of your brothers and sisters-in-Christ.

Jeannie and I before the race

To all you half and full marathoners out there-you're crazy and maybe one day I'll be one of you but for right now I'm encouraged by you enough to just get out and run a 5K :) 

Breathing Deep

This year has been one of intense wrestling with the God of the universe. One that has left me with wounds I am not ready for blog world to know just yet. Walking with people who have deep wounds effects the depths of who I am. There is deep assurance and peace I have in doing what I do, but it has and continues to leave it's mark on me. Pain such as I have seen and experienced in the last year I had previously only heard of. I am not sure I can communicate how it has challenged me, but I will try.

There was time when God awoke my heart to the sufferings others experienced. He showed it to me in the friends He brought into my life and He lead me to resources that told of stories of all sorts of pain. He coupled this with revealing scripture after scripture to me about His desire to heal and redeem (Isaiah 61, Hosea 2, Ezekiel 3...to name a few). My heart was caught up in a new passion-to see Jesus redeem deep brokenness. I suppose, as a result to this desire He lead me to a Master of Social Work degree. While all this was happening He let me walk beside women and sisters in Christ and watch Him heal them. I wrestled with Him to some extent about what He allowed them to experience but nothing would have prepared me for what He had in-store.

Eventually came the day when I had received my degrees and training. The time had come to give whole life and step into a career of helping others. And so began the journey as a mental health therapist. A therapist working with primarily children. Children with deep wounds. Such brokenness broke me. My life seemed swallowed up in grief and sorrow over these children. To walk with them and their families was what God had designed me to do. But oh how it effected me. 

Joy seemed like something of a dream that existed long ago. Happiness would occasionally show it's face but only briefly. Fear became a constant companion never leaving my side. People around me lived their lives but I was just weary with sorrow and grief. Every day a weight hung over me from the burden of these children.

Then I experienced a loss and sorrow in my own life as my husband and I went through a miscarriage. This on top of burdens from others I was already bearing nearly crushed me. In my grieving, questions that had laid beneath the surface finally bubbled up. One question seemed more prominent than the rest. How does a loving God allow such evil and pain to touch His beloved children? In following Jesus' invitation to investigate His Word, I have wrestled with this deep thought and through Scripture as well as a couple of sermons from the church I call home I have found multiple answers. Here is a great sermon from my home church and here is another one.

I made some decisions through this process and as time has passed I have developed a better balance in my life. I still do the job I am deeply passionate about and I still feel the pain of personal loss, but God is redeeming in the beautiful way only He can. Through the process I have learned that joy comes from fixing my eyes on the hope of Heaven-where no pain or suffering exists (Rev. 21).  That I am to give my burdens over to the One who died so that He may carry and redeem them (Matt 11:28-30). I have learned the importance of rest and enjoying the things my Father created me to enjoy. I believe I will spend the rest of my life disciplining myself daily in all three of these areas...and I believe that is okay.

So today I take a breathe. One that comes from deep within my inmost being. I acknowledge the evil and agree with God it is not okay. I acknowledge that I do not fully understand why a loving God allows the pain and suffering that evil causes.  But I will choose to trust that the lack of my understanding does not make my God's love any less perfect or powerful.  Today I breathe deep a love that I cannot comprehend. I breath in peace, joy, and healing. As I walk this life with the divine purpose of burden bearer (Gal. 6:2), I treasure the moments--the days--were I get to breathe deep and rest (Matt. 11:28). 

In Over My Head

Then you crash over me and I've lost control but I'm free

I am going under, I am in over my head

And you crash over me, I'm where You want me to be

I'm going under, I'm in over my head

Whether I sink, whether I swim

It makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head

Whether I sink, whether I swim

It makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head

I'm Beautifully in over my head

I'm Beautifully in over my head

In over my head-Bethel

Whew! It has been quite the whirlwind in my life. My heart deeply connected with the lyrics above that I heard for the first time today. After an intense season (see previous post) God has calmed the storm a bit and letting me get back on my feet. My most ever read post was a prayer inspired by a song that God would take me deeper into the ocean--where feet may fail and fear surrounds. Incase you were wondering God answered.  

He gave me my hearts desire. To go deep with people and shine light into the darkness hiding within. This has shaken me. This has completely stripped me of all my independence and self-sufficiency. While I give up quite the fight, Jesus always wins. He has to be my Source of light and love. Period. I have been forced to trust Him in every part of my emotional and physical being. Daily I am emptied of my strength and forced to once again rely on Him for the words I speak and the actions I show. When I attempt a day on my own I can get through half a day...maybe. But fear is quick to overtake me when I don't abide in Jesus. 

Yes, God has certainly brought me out into the ocean. But I am beginning to realize the waves that Satan tries to destroy me with are what God uses for good. When fear hits me hard there seems to be something good that comes out of it. Frequently it results in me being forced to acknowledge God's sovereignty and abide in Him more intimately. So out here in the ocean I have experienced amazing grace. I am learning freedom from fear. I am learning deep peace that I never dreamt possible. And I am learning great dependence and strength. 

He saves the lost. He empowers the weak. He is faithful to the faithless. Because Jesus died these things have been made a reality in my life. I was nothing, but He made me His Beloved. He is Lord and He is Love. He has claimed me as His daughter. In love, His daughter is being sanctified by the ocean that I may look more like Jesus when I reach Heaven some day. This my life. And I would want it no other way.

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to change the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things--and the things that are not---to nullify the things that are sot hat no may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God--that is our righteousness, holiness, and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

1 Cor. 1:27-31

the real story behind our engagement

Photo credit…valmarlene.com

I want to post some engagement pictures, but I think a lot of times other people look at these pictures and believe that the life of whomever is in the picture is certainly better than their own. And so I hesitate. 

Our season of engagement is not at all what I expected. Let me first say that my fiancé has loved me with incredible persistence and extravagance the last 4 months. Also, I absolutely love my job and it is what God has gifted me to do. Both of those statements are true without question.

What's also true is that the last 4 months of been among the most difficult of my life. I cried more than any previous season (if you know my you know that's a significant- amount). Every day is legitimate battle against not only my own flesh/sin, but also against the sin others commit. I am a weak selfish person aside from the power of the Holy Spirit living inside me. That has never been so clear as it has been in the last 4 months. Sin's prevalence in this world is astounding and horrific. However, the most important Truth I have wrestled with and am choosing to believe is that Jesus' death on the Cross is enough to conquer any sin that exists in my heart and the world. What I daily live is a battle against my own fear and doubt. Then I go to work and go deep into the darkness of other's lives and do the same with them. The depths of my soul that has always enjoyed and longed to do more of this with people is fully satisfied. This is why I love my job.

While all of that is true, due to intenseness of the battle the last few months I have struggled in every area of my life. I have struggled in my relationship with Jesus. This effects all other areas of my life: Mark, friendships, and work. On more than one occasion I felt so worthless (due to my own heart issues) that I just wanted to give my ring back to Mark. I have isolated myself because I have felt defeated by my job and have no energy left to relationally engage with anyone. While I love my job, there are days I just scrape by because I am so exhausted.

Photo credit…valmarlene.com

Due to my lack of trust in God's ability to help me I have struggled greatly with anxiety. This has caused wedding planning to become a chore rather than a joy. God has been super gracious and provided all that I need, but I have been an anxious mess through it. Unfortunately, the result has been that it hasn't been super joyful time I always imagined. He has taught me that in my ability to suck the joy out of something that is supposed to be great, He is still faithful. He will give me what I need. And that is a beautiful truth to realize because you can bet that I will continue to struggle with anxiety in planning this wedding in the last month and half of engagement. Our engagement will continue and nothing big is changing. But I pray that I would maybe trust Him a little bit more now as I step forward. 

So that's my story friends. The story of our first 4 months of engagement and how it doesn't meet any of my expectations that I always dreamed of. But you know what? I wouldn't want it any other way, because God glorified Himself in it and that is what I live for. He will not let me find hope and joy anything less than Himself. While that is painful thing, it is a beautiful thing.

Photo credit…valmarlene.com

…we rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope will not disappoint us, becsaue God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

My diamond ring...

It's been nearly two months since I've been wearing this beautiful diamond on my left ring finger and in that time I have had a couple of revelations I want to share.

First, upon receiving this ring I noticed almost immediately I began purposefully positioning my hand so that all can see it. However, the reason why may not be what you first suspect. While I love my ring and think it is beautiful, I do not show it with the intent for everyone to notice it's beauty. The reason I kept repositioning my hand was so that everyone would know I am taken. I have taken the ring as a sign of Mark's continual commitment to me. It's a sign to all that a commitment has been made.

This brings me to the second reason I love my ring. Whatever day I am having I can look down at my ring and be reminded of a love that is continual. A love that is not only emotional (emotions fluctuate), but a love that endures.  A love that bears all things, believes of all things, hopes all things, and endures all things (1 Corinthians 13:7). In Greek (the original language this verse was written in) endure means "to remain, to preserve under misfortunes and trials, to bear bravely". A love that is present through every sin committed, every temptation overcame, every painful experience, and every joyful moment. 

I know that I am loved, deeply, when I look at my ring. 

This love Mark and I have for each other is

because God first loved us by allowing His Son, Jesus, to die as payment for our sins (Romans 6:23). So, by giving me the ring Mark is saying that he wants to stand before God and a bunch of people and agree to be forever committed to loving me as his wife no matter what and by receiving the ring I am saying the same thing.

So, that's why I love my ring. Because it reminds me of love…God's continual love, seen through Mark's actions towards me. 

It's not a professional photo, but one taken by an excited newly (5 hours) engaged lady :)

Licensed, employed, and ENGAGED!

Well, hello there. Lots of life has happened since my last post in May. 

I am now writing to you as a Licensed Master of Social Worker, employed therapist, AND

 the future Mrs. Mark Lukasiewicz!!!

My God is faithful. He charts a path and leads me through it. Along the path are circumstances that cause me to take (big and small) leaps of faith. All forcing me to rely more deeply on His sovereign love and mercy. So that through it all I can only give Him glory for every accomplishment.

God has given me a desire to bind-up the broken-hearted and set free those covered in darkness (Isaiah 61). He used this passion to push me through all the exams and papers in grad school and to drive me to complete my licensing exam. He filled me with more knowledge than I can ever communicate. He has gifted me with specific friendships to help equip me to be a knowledgable therapist/social worker. He then provides a job in town "in need of intense healing" (says my boss). How perfect is that?!? 

While in my last year of graduate school, God saw fit to bring a man into my life to push me to know Christ more and to show me just how personal His love is for me. Mark has loved me without hesitation, despite my sin (past, present, and future). Not because I deserve it, but because God is a God of mercy. By grace alone God has brought Mark into my life. And by grace alone did Mark ask me to marry him in the most perfect way that was so specific to who I am and the way God wired me.

It feels as if I am on a high hill looking back at my Savior's loving faithfulness in the crazy season of college student singleness and a deep joy fills me down to the very depths of my soul. Then, as I turn to look at the other side of the giant hill I can see the beginnings of a new season as a wife and therapist. It's a season that is destined to be filled with just as many moments of painful surrender and just as many sweet revelations of the depth of God's love for not only me, but for all peoples. 

Deep breath…here it goes!!!

An Unlikely Pairing

A little over two years ago I decided to attend UNI for graduate school. I had a short time to figure out a place to live in Cedar Falls once I left my dorm that May and I was a bit nervous. My brother lives in Cedar Falls and he told his small group from church that his sister was looking for a place to live. A couple said they knew of a woman who might be willing to house a grad student. I came to meet Nancie for the first time for lunch and she then offered to rent out a room to me. Apparently she was really trusting God and/or I gave off a responsible vibe, because not everyone would offer a 23 year old they have known an hour to live with them for an undetermined amount of time. However, that is exactly what Nancie did and next year and a half would profoundly impact me.

So, I moved into her home about three weeks after the lunch meeting, with no idea when I would be leaving. My heart was a bit in pieces about moving away from Ames. However, Nancie had a way of making her home feel like my home. When we would go places she would know everyone, which made Cedar Falls seem less intimidating. I managed to stay fairly busy on my own, but I was able to go to church, eat meals, watch movies, and go to exercise class with her occasionally. I even enjoyed an organ concert with some of her friends once!

From watching Nancie live her life and having many discussions with her, I have learned a tremendous amount. When you live with someone you get to know them fairly well. This was no exception in our living situation. I have learned that aging is difficult for numerous reasons, but by the grace of God it can be done well. I also learned that while living with people your own age is nice, there are benefits to living with someone who has many years of wisdom to offer. I discovered that as I walked through each day I had need for wisdom. From how to close the bread bag without a twisty-tie, to baking, to cleaning, to yard work, to entertaining, to messy life situations she was there to offer her wisdom. I learned that even though there may no longer be a man in the house, it is possible for a woman to unclog the basement drain, deal with the flooding basement, and get out a mini-chainsaw to cut a tree limb. Yes, she did all of the above. And God was faithful to provide assistance when needed.

Above all other things, witnessing her walk with God had the most profound impact on me. She never stops serving and seeking to know Him more. She attends women's Bible studies at church. She planned events for the older generations at church. She has used the loss of her husband to start a social group for other woman who are in the same situation. (They are the ones I got to go to an organ concert with!) Her Bible can be found on the counter where she eats most of her meals (if she's not in her study). With the overflow of what God gives her she encourages and prays for those around her, including whatever friend I would bring home with me. Her faith is strong and firm and God continues to bless her. When she decided to sell her house the first couple who looked at the house bought. He then provided the perfect place for me to live for the reminder of my time at UNI. He is faithful.

We may not live together anymore and I may not do the best job of keeping in touch with her, I am still influenced by the year and a half that I got to live with her. She truly is an incredible lady with incredible faith.  I truly love the little snippets of time I get to spend with her now. I will forever be grateful that God allowed me to intimately witness her life for a little while. 

I love you, Nancie! :)